Mandatory Hunger Games Post

 Ugggggggggggh, I've been putting off posting about the Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins because I know that admitting I read the books is like saying I liked the movie The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks (which by the way I did NOT).Blargh, I hate myself for liking something so mainstream and over-hyped. BUT despite my many reservations, I have to give Collins props for including a lot of relevant social themes that would really benefit Americans to think about every once in awhile (instead of living in denial through various mind-altering substances and TV programs like Gossip Girl and Jersey Shore). Wake up, people! Sh1t is going down and denying it will only make it worse. Sorry, I just have to indict greater "society" every once and awhile. #SOAPBOXMOMENT

Here is an exhaustive list of the themes that I appreciate from The Hunger Games. Feel free to chime in if I missed something. :)

Social Themes from The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins

• Classism/Poverty: The oppression and exploitation of traditionally "blue collar" laborers (mining, farming, etc.) uhhhhhh this might make all the little kids read about it actually wonder, "Who picks the grapes that I'm eating?" or "Who put my [stupid freaking/totally unnecessary] iPhone together?" Hahaha, good job, Suzanne Collins, for tipping your hat to the victims of globalization. 
• Colonization/Globalization/Mercantilism: One "developed entity" (District 1="The West") enjoys the finished products of smaller "developing" regions that provide cheap labor and raw materials
• Gender Roles: It's kind of amazing that Katniss isn't a helpless damsel in distress like the person Kristen Stewart plays in Twilight. Was her name Bella? Anyway, Katniss actually has a personality (???) and is competent in survival skills (???). She don't need to man to stay alive. Um, how ballsy is that to have a self-sufficient woman who does not necessarily find her ultimate satisfaction in snagging a hubbie??
• War's Moral Ambiguity/Pacifism: Do ends justify means? I think about the arguments for torture techniques with POW "terrorists." Does the waterboarding and electro-shocking justify the "intelligence" gained, the potential lives saved? (Amnesty International would say, "no.") Is accidentally killing civilians when trying to expose "terrorists" a "necessary evil" for peace? When Gale leads the avalanche on District 2, when the children (and then Prim) are bombed at the Capital, can you say that was the only way to end the violence? Fight violence with more violence? Have you read The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis? One of his speeches is "Why I am not a Pacifist." I could go on and on about this and never reach a conclusion.
• Mass Media/Brainwashing/Propaganda: If the government controls the dissemination of all information, can the masses be manipulated into submission without any opposing perspectives? What is truth? How critically do we really think when we read news articles, watch footage, etc.? More and more I see how easily human minds can be molded by dogma, tradition, irrationality--ack, it's kind of frightening.
• Rugged Individualism (Dehumanization) vs. Collectivism (Compassion): In the arena will "good will" or "kill or be killed" reign? When forced under the most difficult of circumstances, are we all just animals looking to protect our own livelihood and interests at the cost of others'?
• Politics/Power: It's All Messy/Everyone is Corrupt/Self-Interest Rules: The idea of gray area, no distinct "good guys" vs. "bad guys," especially when it comes to institutional power and maintaining it. In order to gain power and maintain it, a lot of moral concessions/compromises have to be made. E.g. Katniss killed Coin b/c she knew Coin would protect her own incumbency (which Katniss threatened). Check out political theory about this; it's fascinating.
• Substance Abuse/Dependency/Escapism: Haymitch as a (mostly) functional alcoholic in order to cope with loss and the harshness of reality.. Johanna and Katniss becoming dependent on morphling, as well as many of the surviving Victors from past Games. When reality becomes too tough to bear, when you feel helpless and cornered, just tap out with drugs. They don't take away the pain but at least they dull it. I talked to my gpa about this the other day and we agreed that those who become chemically dependent are those who are just so sensitive, that feel their own pain and the pain of others so acutely that they just can't take it; it's too overwhelming. Anyway, I'm glad that Collins included this, even though it may seem to "dark" for kids.
• Reality TV/Video Cameras Shape Personal Behavior/Acting in Order to Be Watched: Dude, this is real and it is live. On a grand scale, celebs and rich people are glorified in reality TV which capitalizes on the human penchant for voyeurism. They live it up, act dramatic and are often not themselves--they play up a caricature for the audience. How much is that happening now at the grassroots level through Facebook, Twitter and MySpace? How many people are constructing themselves to "be seen" by peers as a certain "character" (popular, witty, sexy). How much of personal decisions and choices are made just in order to "post" about them later? I mean, this is really scary. 
• Diaspora/Refugee Status/Displacement: The reality of refugees and a lot of immigrants is that you're stuck in this double-bind: you can't go back to your homeland because it's f*cked up there (civil war, government repression/corruption, mass poverty) but the new place you're in is just not that great (cultural vertigo, rootlessness). This is somewhat like Katniss & all of District 12 when their home is destroyed and they are forced to flee to District 13 which is rigid, strictand not dream-like/ideal at all. Oh, the tragedy of displacement!
• PTSD/Trauma Bites: Enuf said. Peeta & Katniss with their vivid nightmares after witnessing the deaths of many, mass killing through bombing and fire, torture, near-death experiences. All of these count as "traumatic incidents" in the DSM-IV, and they take a toll. I'm glad that in the books they don't get over it, that they're scarred and haunted, that it affects their daily functioning. WELCOME TO THE LIFE OF A REFUGEE. Damn.
• Savior Complex/Non-Harm/Tragic Hero: Okay, so maybe this isn't original AT ALL (see: Harry Potter), but I feel for Katniss when she takes on that enormously heavy responsibility of protecting the well-being of her vulnerable dependents (mother, sister, Peeta, Gale, etc.). She takes it all upon herself to act "right" in order to prevent harm to them, and to help the vulnerable citizens in the oppressed districts, yet finds that all she does is get people killed! (People are dying left & right for her! I mean, in the third book, dang--so many casualties. I think of that bombed hospital, just awful). And although she realizes she has enormous power to rally the "people," she's overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and an acute awareness of her own imperfections, her impulsiveness. The ultimate lesson is don't try to be anyone's angel, okay? Hah. CanNOT stress this enough.
• Vanity/Bourgeois Culture: It's a reality that in the Hunger Games, physical appearance and pageantry are almost as valuable as practical skills used in the arena. Again, it's about projecting an image, of "beauty" being indicative of one's level of intelligence, competence, and even character (I'm not even kidding)! And it's like, for the coddled, spoiled Capital peeps, they become fixated upon vanity, hedonism (bingeing/purging), celebrity, gossip. They're just oblivious of the underclass. Grrrr.. it's too real.
• Possibility for a Multiethnic Cast: Dude, not everyone is just assumed to be white. What? is going on? Science fiction never has people of color. (Okay, sure, you could point to the captain of Deep Space Nine but that is an EXCEPTION, not the rule) Buuut wait? Katniss and Gale have olive skin, grey eyes and black hair--the "Seam look" sounds awfully NATIVE to me. Also, her dad knows how to hunt, has knowledge of nature (plants, etc.), sings folk songs--am I just reading way too into this? Whatever, I don't care what people say. I'm going to believe that Katniss is half Native and half white, okay?! Also, Rue and Thresh--hey they're black! Amaaazing. I mean, they both die; I was expecting that (just watch any horror or action flick, the people of color get picked off mighty early on, if they're included at all). But Rue is just sweet, resourceful and Thresh is a bad@$$ yet merciful in not killing Katniss. I'm just mad-pleased that there are ANY people of color, so hey, mega props to u, Suzanne Collins. Thanx. Maybe next time try including Asian Americans. We have a lot of purchasing power. Our median income is higher than the white man's; take note.
• Suicide as Rational Choice: Wow, loved the "Hanging Tree." Whoa.. I mean, do we ever as humans have the actual wisdom and discernment to know if things have gotten so bad that dying is better than anything else that could happen were we to continue living? Haha, in my political science/econ classes they talk about the "rational choice" of people doing "irrational" things like suicide bombings. It's like, hey professors up in your ivory towers, people aren't having crazy dissociative breaks when they commit suicide. They have viable reasons for doing so--I don't need to read your 20-page journal article to figure this out. lol, or think about the Death with Dignity Act. Do the elderly really think that dying is a better option than living with chronic illnesses and pain? Or, in the case of Katniss with Peeta, how could she have actually known and convinced herself that there was no hope for his psychological recovery--enough to "mercy kill" him? As humans we have the agency to kill ourselves and to kill others. What causes some to use this agency and others to not? Desperation? Fear? Hopelessness? Hubris?
• LOVE PREVAILS: Okay, I'm always a sucker for a happy ending. But just this notion that has survived through history--that out of the ashes something truly beautiful can emerge; it's irresistible to me. HOPE. RENEWAL. LIFE. "What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of descruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again" (388). Uh, YES and PLEASE.

 Haha, I actually really enjoy the Hunger Games just because it provides a non-threatening way to talk about some really controversial stuff. Because you can talk all "hypothetically" by discussing the characters and their choices, rather than the actual "political"/historical stuff--cuz, like I said, that can be "too real" for some, you know? Yo, but for all of the deep thinkers out there (i.e. all my close friends and a lot of my family), it's just another excuse to wax philosophical/theological/intellectual--just talk for a really long time about abstract concepts and the "future of humanity" and all that stuff. Haha, don't lie, we love it.

Okay, and to make sure this review is a bit more balanced, I've gotta get these last things off my chest.

Gripes about The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins 
(i.e. The Author's Popular Fiction Concessions)

•  LOVE TRIANGLE: WTF gag me with an effing spoon. I cannot believe Collins stooped so low to attract more readers. UGH whyyyyy pander to the base sentimentality of the general populaaace??? Booooooooo. And why does Katniss have to choose the middle class boy with the Aryan features instead of the low-income, savvy Native-looking dude with the rock hard body?? Suzanne Collins, you don't have to keep reinforcing what Stephanie Meyers already did in Twilight where the girl ends up choosing the paler, "civilized" dude instead of the woodsy, OLIVE SKINNED, BLACK HAIRED Native guy. Actually Suzanne, I bet you did this subconsciously and implicitly. I'll let you get away with it this time, but learn from this and make your next series better, okay?
• Peeta: Noooo Suzanne Collins, don't do this to teenaged girls all around the world. What guy out there is as self-aware, verbally expressive and (almost creepily) self-sacrificing/protective as Peeta? I mean, damn, woman, Peeta is a trifecta of un-reality--it's just blinding. Teenaged girls of the world, prepare for a rude awakening when you realize your Peeta is never coming for you. Come on, Suzanne, you're better than this--better than feeding the overstuffed, genetically mutated knight-in-shining-armor COW that IS young girls' minds. I'm not saying that men cannot be sensitive, articulate, self-aware and self-sacrificing buuuuuuuuut you'd have to admit, it's kind of rare? (Tell me if I'm way out of line here).
• War Melodrama or "Katniss almost-dies a million times: Seriously, how many times does she have to black out from an injury in "battle" and wake up in some emergency room hooked up to a morphling drip?! You know this is a legitimate gripe. Again, I understand that the "drama" of it all keeps readers on the edge of their seats and appeals to a wider audience, but could we go for more understatement next time?

Well, no more glaring gripes from this chica! As you can see, way more commendations for Collins than admonitions.  Along the lines of "pretty fly for a white guy," (sorry if I offend people with this reverse-racist microaggresion) I think The Hunger Games series is "pretty dope for popular fiction." Yah.

THE END

Thanx 4 reading.

Using Celebrity for Good

I'm always inspired when I read about actresses who have the guts to speak out against the sick, image-obsessed industry they work in. See Raven Symone, Margaret Cho and Gabourey Sidibe.

Let's now add Ms. Jennifer Lawrence. She's been criticized for being "too fat" to play a "starving" impoverished Katniss.

GLAMOUR: You must be in amazing shape.

JL: I hate saying, “I like exercising.” I want to punch people who say that in the face.

Ha! Further reading:
-The ‘fatness’ of Katniss? Jennifer Lawrence laughs off insults
-Jennifer Lawrence Calls Out Bad Body Image Role Models For Girls In Hollywood

FARTLESS CHILI

HEY PEOPLE, I just discovered something AMAZING. If you're making chili and want to enjoy your food without the flatulence, here is a little-known secret that actually WORKS (tested & approved last Friday).

1. Bring a large pot of water to boil on the stove. Turn off the burner.
2. Add the dried beans (kidney, pinto, whatever!) to the pot.
3. Soak overnight.
4. Drain beans, add enough water to cover them and cook simmering on low for 50 minutes, as usual.
5. Add your cooked beans to the meaty chili mixture (I usually have it already going in a crock pot for a few hours)
6. ENJOY THE BEANS GUILT-FREE. You are in for a fartless night.

For reals, people, this has changed my life.

;)

RIP Whitney Houston

I know it may seem so five minutes ago, but I'm still reeling over the death of Whitney Houston. Many people have raised a brow to my sincere sadness at her passing, and I too, don't quite understand why it affected me in such a profound manner.

I've been listening to Whitney Houston since I was six years old. I would spend afternoons lying on my back next to my Uncle Fred's boombox, repeatedly listening to her incredible vocals in The Bodyguard soundtrack. "I Will Always Love You," "I Have Nothing" and "Run to You" will forever have a special place in my heart. I love the movie The Preacher's Wife. It is Christian, sentimental and has a happy ending. Man, Whitney, where did it all go wrong?

What haunts me most about her death is that it epitomizes the tragedy and fragility of human existance. Taunt me if you may about how seriously I am taking all of this, but for realz, this has hit me hard! Just humor me for a bit.

Let's review the arc of Whitney Houston's life (the details of which I have gleaned from her 2009 in-depth interview with Oprah Winfrey). She was raised a devout Baptist. She had incredible, unmatched vocal talent. She had a sincere, caring heart and wanted to share her gift with the world. And yet the overwhelming pressures of celebrity and an incongruous marriage led to her drug addiction and, most likely, her death.

I'm saddened because she was just such an incredible artist. Her vocal control, range and authentic expression is absolutely unmatched. And even though it may be absurd that I identify with her and feel like I knew her personally, I don't care! Rest in peace, Whitney! You are a gift from God.

Asking for Help

So this past couple of weeks has been pretty challenging on the caregiver front with my grandparents. Had a pretty bad scare last week when my grandma fell--just THUD! SPLAT!--in the kitchen. I mean, at one point I was about to laugh out loud at how absurd and crazy it was. I had to drag her along the ground, on her back, through the kitchen into the living room so that my grandpa and I could lift her up to a sitting position on the couch. I mean, it's that bad. She's so frail that she can't lift herself up from lying down to sitting up. She couldn't even use her legs to scoot. I mean, imagine an upturned beetle on its back, skinny legs flailing about to no avail. Her appendages have gotten that spindly, I swear.

In the aftermath I was anxious and panicked and generally having thoughts of "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" However, in my long journey as caregiver I have found that in these moments of utter helplessness/feelings of futility it's simplest and best to ask for help. One of the singular and most unhealthy beliefs for caregivers is the "I can make it on my own" mentality--like suffering in silence is noble or something.

If we all just had an adequate dose of humility, we'd all realize that we are no one's savoir and that the only way that we can ever take care of someone is with the help of others! There would be SO MANY less burnt-out, unhappy, emotionally-martyred people in the world. My theory is that each caregiver in the world must stand upon the shoulders of at least seven close friends and supporters that will cheer them on, pick them up when they're down and share the burden. We all need a "team" to hold us up when we're too crumpled to stand on our own.

I'm very thankful for my friends and family that have helped me through the ups and downs of living with my grandparents. This is dedicated to you!

FAT.

So I've been tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep tonight. My brain cannot shut down and be quiet; I think "processing" through a blog post might help. I've been wanting to post on this topic for a long while now, but it seems that every time I begin, there's simply too much to write about and I give up. Well, we'll see how much rambling I can fit--just don't expect this to be particularly concise or coherent.

In the past five years or so my interest in body image has skyrocketed. Recently it's been constantly on my mind. In high school I read Can't Buy My Love by Jean Kilbourne as an assignment for rhetoric class. She writes about the power of media (specifically advertising) to shape the way women see themselves. It raised my consciousness to realize that beauty ads were meant to make me feel dissatisfied with the way I looked (so that I would buy the marketed product to "fix" my "flaws"), food ads were meant to make me crave unhealthy junk while punishing/berating myself for "indulging" in them and clothing/fashion ads were meant to make me idolize thinness, youth and whiteness. (Sidenote: I'm starting to realize more and more that women are seriously oppressed--this whole "thin" beauty ideal is just the tip of the iceberg. It's awful.)

THEN last year I'm so glad that my roomie Hillary did an internship with NEDA, the National Eating Disorders Association, which provided many opportunities to dialogue about how pervasive body-hatred is among women. (Another sidenote: However widespread body dissatisfaction may be, Hillary & Faith really opened my eyes to see what women WITHOUT it can look like. I noticed right away from living with them that they hadn't internalized all the pressures to be super thin--I never heard negative-self talk from them about their bodies! E.g. "I need to lose five pounds." "I think I'm getting fat." "Ugh, my thighs are HUGE!" Talk about a breath of fresh air.) I read The Religion of Thinness by Michelle Lelwica, which articulated well the way women perpetuate the need to be thin. She compared it to a religion with rules (be self-controlled, disciplined, avoid "bad" foods) and rituals (overexercising, binging, purging, starvation). She was also really into the mindfulness practice of "listening to your body" for hunger/satiety signals and stuff, but I'd leave that by the wayside if I were you.

And THEN this past summer I read this book called Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters by Courtney E. Martin which I really enjoyed...mostly because I share all social identities with the author except for race (young adult, female, middle class, college-educated). She shares a lot of stories from her own life and the stories of friends. What struck me most was that any woman, really, can potentially develop an eating disorder. Like, seriously. We're all just hanging by a thread. As Hillary wisely told me, all women lie somewhere on a spectrum between "I love my body and am impervious to pressures to conform to a socially constructed beauty norm" & compulsive, disordered thoughts and behavior around food.

I think about where personally I fall on that spectrum today, and I would say I'm somewhere in the middle, probably more towards the compulsive/disordered side to be completely honest. I struggle with comparing my body (especially my legs) to other womens'. Sometimes I feel like food is my enemy, trying to get me fat. Sometimes I exercise for an hour at a time to desperately avoid being fat.

Now that I've hit 21 years, my metabolism has started to slow down. The overeating, rich desserts and fatty snacks actually catch up to me instead of magically metabolizing overnight. I feel a loss of control sometimes when I see that I have gained ten pounds since beginning college.

A lot of the time I feel foolish for being a victim to my own vanity. I get down on myself for being vulnerable to societal norms and pressures to conform. I think, "I should be above this! This is all bullsh1t and I know it!" But I think this is something that I'll battle for my whole life. I pray for God's grace and for his help because I'd really like to be thinking about bigger and better/more useful things than my caloric intake and the way I can make my thighs look thinner by wearing the right pair of jeans.

In the meantime, I've found some helpful tools for fighting against the pressure without and within to be really, really thin!
1. Limit my media consumption: TV just reinforces the paradigm that thin is best. Fat people are invisible (not represented) or the butt of jokes. (I could do an entire additional post about the normalization of frighteningly skinny women in TV, movies and magazines!)
2. adiosbarbie.com This website inspires me! The women who post here are smart, savvy and amazingly counter-cultural. Extra plus: They talk about intersections with race!
3. Talk to other women about it: Every woman I know is affected by the pressure to be thin, though we rarely bring it up. Whenever I do mention it and open up about my struggle with it, I find my friends and family opening right back up to me, too. You'd be surprised with the solidarity you can encounter out there, especially from friends who are vulnerable like you but keep trying to FIGHT THE POWER (I mean you, Rachel!)!
4. Lift my eyes up: Spending time in prayer and reading the Bible really help me to gain a bigger perspective on life. Life is not just about what you can see with your eyes or being seen by others. Being thin/attractive may grant status and power in the world, but that's not really what I want, anyway. Though they are tempting (status & power). ;)

Okay, that was a lot. Glad to get it outta my system. Stay strong, my fellow women.

Let's go!!!!

To God

You scoop out my insides like a harvest pumpkin
The vessel must be prepared
Which will bear your tiny tea candle
Flickering and squirming
Ghostly light of a hallowed orange shell

My Top Books of 2011

1. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie
I have been recommending this book to any and everyone possible (Sorry to y'all whom I've been pestering, but seriously, you should check it out!). Absolutely True Diary changed my life. This coming of age first-person narrative of Arnold, a Native American teen, honestly depicts the harshness of reservation life and the pressure to fit in & become "successful" in mainstream white society. It is at times heartbreaking but above all heartFELT and honest. Alexie succeeds in articulating the Native American experience with depth, clarity and a sense of humor. He "gets it." I identified immensely with the protagonist, Arnold, God bless him. Reading this book made me proud to be a person of color and it made me feel so much less alone!! Ugh, this book is just amazing. HEART.

2. Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky
This year I experienced the deepest sense of burnout ever in my life. Social work/justice/ethical living completely overwhelmed me and I was extremely unhappy. Volunteering, being a vegetarian, taking public transit, buying fair trade and doing independent research of domestic & international social problems became a burden of responsibility driven by privileged guilt and most importantly, a sense of duty. It took an especially dramatic panic attack during winter quarter for me to finally snap out of it and realize, "Okay, this isn't working." This past summer I took the first actual vacation from volunteerism in years, read this book and FINALLY started to understand what "self-care" looks like. Lipsky stresses the importance of being gentle on yourself and intentionally seeking out ways to nourish body, mind and soul. I feel so much better nowadays, and don't live with the nagging guilt that I don't "deserve" a break (e.g. an afternoon at the spa, a special drink from a cafe, an expensive @$$ fair-trade candle from Honduras). I'm hanging up my savior-complex role and accepting with utmost relief that there are many, many other people striving for just causes & advocating for the most oppressed, traumatized people in this world. It's not all on my shoulders and I don't have to be "working" 24/7. In fact, through this book I learned that it's essential to limit my involvement in social welfare in order to preserve my sanity for the long haul. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Whew. Thank you, Laura van Dernoot Lipsky! I recommend this book to ALL social workers, nurses, MHPs, activists and "overactive-empathizers," as I like to call them (I am one!!!).

3. An Atlas of Impossible Longing by Anuradha Roy 
I am a sucker for authors with uber-precise, jealousy-inducing prose. Anuradha Roy kills! Her attention to detail, her jarringly realistic, tragic protagonists--incredible! I mean, sure, it's an epic "love story," but Roy manages to effortlessly bypass common cliches and make everything fresh. It follows three generations of the same family, much like Steinbeck's East of Eden, but thankfully, the novel is much less dark and creepy, if you know what I mean. The story just pulls you in. She gets to the heart of what it means to be human: insecurity, ambition, greed, pride. This book is a joy to read.

Full Circle

This morning the sun shone brightly, the sky was blue, the landscape palette richly autumnal, the air cool, pristine and soul-cleansing. Walking the Burke-Gilman trail, I thought about how I walked this very same trail, in these very same brown leather shoes three years ago. Although it's the same route, same Physics building, familiar grey armchair with a view of Lake Union, I can't help but feel giddy. I'm such a different person from when I first set foot here. Using my imagination, I remember what it was like, to be both afraid and in wonder of the University of Washington, to be studying my little tushy off, exploring the far-flung, rarely frequented libraries (chemistry, engineering, east asia, law, art) with gusto. Same laptop, same backpack, even.. but I'm not who I was! I mean, duh! But this revelation is really giving me joy today.

Beautiful view from the 6th-floor physics/astronomy "reading room." A quintessential mix of austere nature and urban chaos.

Everything is coming together. I'm studying a subject that fascinates me, I have a wonderful, delightfully small social network and finally feel comfortable in the overpopulated, giant, architecturally stunning University. I feel confident and proud of myself. Sitting here, I remember and feel deeply all of the trials I've endured to be able have this current happiness. For now, everything feels right with the world and Possibility is at my feet, within reach--altogether mysterious and intoxicating.

The providence of God never fails us.
Let us give him thanks and praise!

Yay!

Okay, so HUGE relief: I am no longer going to be interning in Lake City for the year. The commute was monstrous (~1hr 20min one way!) and was seriously stressing me out. Now I am in the waiting game hoping that another agency closer to home will be willing to have me!

It's been interesting living with my grandparents and (thankfully) so far there have been no medical emergencies. It's quite startling, though, to realize how difficult everyday things are for them (washing dishes, picking things up from off of the ground, taking the trash out, cooking, etc.). My grandpa joked about how I could do an observational study on them, charting the body's slow decomposition through aging. I think it's a wonder that they stay upbeat about their lives when nearly everything they do is a struggle.

I've really been enjoying talking with my grandpa about his perspective on life. We've been going to a Bible study on Tuesdays on the Sermon on the Mount, which have been pretty thought-provoking. My grandpa seems to have gathered a lot of insight especially from the crazy difficult times in his life, which makes me wonder about whether suffering is a prerequisite to wisdom & compassion. Anyhow, it sure is great to have him around just to bounce ideas and also lol.

Grandma is great, too, and hugs me before I go to school in the morning. She always makes sure that I have something sweet to pack in my lunch (lately it's been these caramel pecan chocolate clusters!) and am well-fed at all hours of the day. I try and do physical therapy exercises with her as we watch Jeopardy! and Modern Family together--her for her legs and arm range of motion and me for my injured shoulder. Today she's out partying with her buds at the casino so she'll be out until 10pm at the earliest. Haha!

Bottom line: I think that this year is going to be okay. It's not going to kill me. I might just enjoy myself--and learn some things along the way.

Adjusting

The start of the school year has hit me like a train. In a word, college is intense. Already I'm juggling multiple transitions: from living with my parents to living with my grandma and grandpa, from living in the U District to commuting to school & to practicum  from Rainier Beach (this is really upsetting me) and from luxurious sabbatical summer days to academia (textbooks, assignments, etc.). The question I ask myself is, "How am I possibly going to make it?"

Today it was very therapeutic to sing on the worship team for church service. I was able to unload all of the anxiety, frustration, anger and fear I was feeling--just puke it all out for God to see.

This year will definitely be an adjustment and I'm really fighting all of the changes. Being adaptable and flexible is not my strongest suit. Anyhow, we'll see how this week goes. Praying for things to be less overwhelming. I'm thankful for my family & friends who have been so supportive. I need the encouragement!

It's going to be all right!!

Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh

Took a morning Pilates class for the first time at the local gym today. The only Pilates I'd ever done before was at 30 minute Mari Winsor tape, and I'd only done that to please my mom. Hahaha...

Oh man, it was a crack up! There were about four diehard women that the instructor, Perla, knew by first name. I mean, these women were crazy strong!! But then in the back there were these three random slacker men that made me laugh out loud every time I glanced their way. We had to do this intense ab exercise--20 reps--and halfway through I was starting to get tired, UGH! But then I looked behind me at those three men and this is what I saw:

Two of them were just lying there on their backs, legs bent, not moving at all. They'd simply quit and didn't care. The last guy, Lord bless him, was doing some form of crunches, but not very successfully.

Oh man, and those four buff women in the front were taking themselves all seriously with their perfect muscle tone and control, not shaking at all as we finished up the last rep.

Just goes to show, the "no pain no gain" attitude is only for type A's. I'm so thankful those men were there today, cuz they added some much needed perspective. I mean, If you're tired, man, just quit. Life's too short to torture yourself for the sake of "fitness."

;-P

(re)Discovering My Creative Side, (re)Considering My Vocation

Creativity. Artistry. Imagination. Passion.

I've been reading a memoir by Madeleine L'Engle called Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art. Since entering the School of Social Work, I've been completely consumed with the "immediate reality" of a  broken and suffering world, and have had little time to be creative, imaginitive or artistic. Artistic expression at times seems "impractical" and separate from the real world, but I'm starting to see that to be an artist is to follow a prophetic calling. Sometimes it's only through poetry, a melody, the movement of the human body in dance that the true reality of the human condition surfaces, captivates and inspires.

During this sabbatical I'm really asking myself, "Why am I doing what I am doing?" Is social work really something that I want to do? Am I even enjoying it anymore? 

While I'm at school there's this urgent, almost desperate sense that if we as social workers don't get out there and do something about poverty, oppression, trauma, etc. then the world will end. It's a guilt trip gone horribly wrong. I know that I want to lead a meaningful life, to love as best as I can and "be on the side of the underdog," as it were...but not to the point of utter self-depletion and despair.

What is God calling me to? How can I be faithful to his call? More and more I am beginning to see that he is not asking me to be a super heroic martyr and change millions of lives for the better. I have to trust that the work, the community he sets before in each season of life is exactly where he wants me to be. My worth as a Christ-follower does not come from my "successes" (client or situational "improvement"--i.e. improved test scores, financial stability, liberation/"empowerment"), because so much is out of my control. What counts is the effort and the intention behind the effort, which should always be love: love for God and love for others.

I recently finished up Henri Nouwen's Sabbatical Journey, the journal of his time away from his "work" with the mentally handicapped. He just really brings it all home, back to the heart of things, the heart of Jesus.

"A Democratic senator was pondering how to influence people the most--as a politician who is able to introduce laws that can help millions of people, or as a minister who continues to offer hope and consolation to people in their daily struggle?...

For me it is not a question of how we can most influence others. What matters is our vocation. To what or whom are we called? When we make the effect of our work the criterion of our sense of self, we end up very vulnerable. Both the political and ministerial life can be responses to a call. Both too can be ways to acquire power. The final issue is not the result of our work but the obedience to God's will, as long as we realize the God's will is the expression of God's love" (205).

Sabbatical from Social Work

I'm so relieved to finally begin my sabbatical summer in earnest. I'm currently reading Henri Nouwen's Sabbatical Journey, which is a journal of his year-long sabbatical from Daybreak, a living community for people with cognitive disabilities. I am so relieved to know that it is OKAY to take a break from service and care-giving to care for myself. In the journal, Nouwen writes happily of his "small" life--just as I am reveling in mine.

My days at home are filled with simple tasks: reading, writing, prayer and naps--it's so awesome! Other than that I've been doing some additional activities just for fun and enjoyment:

• Learning Japanese through Rosetta Stone (onnanoshito wa jitenshen o motte imasu)
• Playing Dance Central 
• Learning how to ride a bike (still wobbling around, but making progress!!)
• Attending hip-hop dance class with instructor, Cinnamon, and zumba with Maria
• Cooking with my dad (we made some killer bbq chicken the other day)

Oh, this has gotta be the good life!!!!! :)

At Thurgood Marshall, "The Dream Is Alive!!!"

Today was my last day of volunteering at Thurgood Marshall Elementary School. It crept up on me--it's like, just when I feel like I've built up momentum, things get cut short. Yet, as it says in Ecclesiastes, There is a time for everything... Being in Ms. Pan's class every week has been so therapeutic to me! To see the kids smile when I enter the room in the morning is something I'll never forget. There were definitely times (especially when there was a substitute teacher) that I felt so exasperated that I just wanted to sock 'em, but I have surely grown attached to them. But once again, it's another goodbye, and I release them into the Lord's hands. It's like scattering someone's ashes to the wind.. kinda.

I wanted to share with you the "drama production" that the kids performed last Friday called "When I think of a friend." Each of the students were placed into groups and each created a statement of "When I think of a friend.." For each sentence the group made a tableaux, a posed snapshot to capture the meaning of the words:

Group One: Felisha, Galeah, Amiria, Martin and Janelle--
When I think of a friend I think of someone who...

• helps me when I'm going through rough times
• will play with me in gymnastics
• welcomes me warmly
• is helpful
• supports and encourages me to do the right thing

Group Two: Kiana, Dez'Wonique, Abdikadir, Jordan and Au
When I think of a friend I think of someone...

• who can keep all my secrets and giggle with me
• who cares for me when I get hurt
• that can be honest with me
• who helps me score a goal in soccer
• that dances with me

Group Three: Mia, Halimo, Isaaq and Mohamud
When I think of a friend I think of someone who...

• helps me with a math problem
• plays tag with me
• helps me when I'm dizzy
• that plays soccer with me
• plays basketball with me

Group Four: Salat, Arturo, Lavontre, Amina and Katana
When I think of a friend I think of someone who...

• welcomes me to a new neighborhood
• is playful
• helps me stay on my health
• helps me when I get hurt
• helps me on a hard problem

Group Five: Ibrahim, Olga, Anaiya, Sergio and Russell
When I think of a friend I think of someone who...

• can play tag with me
• will play a game with me
• helps me
• cares for me

WHEN I THINK OF A FRIEND I THINK OF SOMEONE WHO WILL HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH ME!!!!!!

Aren't they just the cutest???

To close, here is a picture of the kids out front of the Underground Seattle Tour office:

 

It was sad hugging them all goodbye today, but I know they've got enough spark to make it through the rest of their lives with flying colors. So thankful to have spent this year with them!!!!

Artists!

So what have I been doing with my spare time now that school's out and I'm chillin' like a villain? Watching videos of the JabbaWockeeZ like crazy. They're just completely AMAZING!! Watch them!!



Sick!!


SO LEGIT.

Last Day of School!

So today I finished up for the school year! I must admit, I feel a bit strange. The hilarious thing is, people can tell. They say, "Wow, you seem really happy." It's a huge relief and I feel so free! I can't wait to take a break from all the dramatic seriousness that is the savior-complex of the school of social work. Lighten up, peeps!

Since everything is wrapping up, I'm getting all reflective... I love to reminisce and be sentimental. Today Hillary & I were walking home from getting smoothies and thinking about all the breakfasts we've made together with Faith. I met with Kristen today and we agreed that it seemed just yesterday that we were getting lunch together at the HUB. The years are flying by.

I <3 Hillary!

As brutal as this year may have been (with dreary weather and faith crisis and burnout), there are definitely things to be thankful for. What I cherish most about this year is all of the friendships! It was definitely tough to leave high school and lose my posse..but it's so cool now to be building networks at UW. I'm thankful for all the wonderful memories with Hillary & Faith--grocery shopping, cooking, playing volleyball, watching movies, quoting them and just talking about life! I once asked them, "Is this what it's like to have a sister?" I have truly learned the value of living with other Christians and sharing in fellowship together. It's been a blast!

Brittany and I are buds..

My peers at the school of social work have just been super awesome, too. It's amazing to be around such passionate, caring, like-minded people. I'm thankful for Tania, who I bonded with on the really discouraging lobby day for immigrant rights/services. I'm thankful for Kayla (who, sadly, is leaving the program!) and Kanchan--I'll never forget going to coffee with the two of them and finally realizing I wasn't alone in my distress because of the class content. And of course, Brittany has been such a wonderful new friend to me, I can't even express it with words! She is a ray of sunshine in my life. When I prayed for ONE friend in freshman year, I was super happy to find Hillary. Brittany, too? I am just tooooooo blessed. From spur-of-the-moment ice skating to earring beading to watching the "Double Rainbow Song" and Mi Pecado, I've just had so much fun hanging out with her!

And also, though I can't quite yet articulate it in words yet, I feel as if God has done a lot for me this year to establish me in my faith and prepare me for the future, whatever it may hold. I just have a sense of peace and a sort of inner equanimity about all the "tough things" in the world--like ya, it's going to be all right. Anyway..

I find myself thinking about the things I am going to miss about my life here at UW, living in the Cliff House. Move out day is a little over a week away! I'll definitely miss Ten Thousand Villages (I am SO going there tomorrow!). And the millions of bus routes here. I'll miss hosting kick-@$$ parties with Hillz & Faith. There are so many little things! But until I actually move out, I'm going to soak up every little moment and every little blessing!--like walking home from U Village today as the sun was setting and enjoying the smell of summer, vibrant colors of grass & trees and the happy energy of students exulting in the end of the school year.

Cheers!

My Friends!!!

My Family!

My Fellow Social Workers!

I Have a Dream..

 So this past Friday Grandpa & I went to "Be the Spark" Rally at the Tacoma Dome. The purpose was to bring people together as a community, to get pumped up to make a difference! I was so surprised that so many people care, you know??? Because sometimes I can get so cynical--and it seems like the general public is indifferent about poverty and suffering locally and globally. Friday I was overwhelmed to see this perception completely contradicted! Local youth from the schools and YMCA attended and the fact that they're reaching out & volunteering is a gigantic relief to me. Humanity is sinful and flawed and all that stuff, but sometimes people can be so dang SURPRISING in their sincere love and altruism. From the first song I was crying. It was this indie hip funk alt. band playing some awesome jamz but then this incredible black rapper started performing parts of Dr. King's "I Have a Dream Speech" over it all and I just about lost it. I was crying at the beauty of his dream--of peace, of reconciliation and mostly of HOPE. That he could have dared to dream of "the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood" in the middle of all the overwhelming overt racism, hate, history of oppression--I just am not quite sure how he did it.

I've been so afraid to dream this year--for a better future, for good to prevail. All this striving for peace and justice can feel like one giant loss after another. I started to doubt my idealistic visions of wholeness and goodness and progress even, towards a global community. I have had my share of disappointments in seeing the suffering of clients, and nothing changing (e.g. oppressive immigration law), but I don't think that's reason to not expect any change--it sure isn't reason to not expect anything better from God, or from ourselves.

And that's why I think Desmond Tutu is so special. Look how warm and fun and adorable he looks! Every time he laughed on Friday I felt like I could be happy for the rest of my life & nothing mattered anymore. :) He, like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., faced intense hatred and oppression. He struggled. He fought. Yet through it all he has maintained his sense of humor, hope and faith in God.

His sermon that night was very interesting. I'd listened to some of his other stuff so I was a bit familiar with his theology. The way he sees it, things are just messed up here on earth. Just plain messed. And he sees God as, in many situations of injustice, powerless. Powerless. Isn't that crazy? That God sees all this icky stuff happening and "all he can do is cry," the Archbishop states. In the following clip he describes it as such: "the omnipotent becomes impotent."

God requires human partners. He relies on us to act in the world. There's a woman in my Sunday school class who shared today, "This is the first time in my life ever that I have said yes to what God has asked of me. And I know without a doubt that I am exactly where I should be." She's a mother of two and is studying to be an RN. I mean, I think this is what God is asking of us. To be courageous. To say yes to him. Imagine the possibilities.

The Burn-Out Keeps Burnin' On..

Basically, this was me today:

I slept in until 11:30am today, and yet three hours later I was drooping and tempted to nap.

Lately, I've just been pretty tired and not very motivated. The smallest tasks exhaust me, from going to Thurgood Marshall to reading a journal article for class to spending time with friends to cooking--even spending time in prayer and reading the Bible. It just makes me tired! Like always, I try so hard to keep up but eventually fall behind.

People keep asking me what summer plans are, and to be honest, I think all that I could handle after this ravaging school year is big fat nothing. I feel bad about not having the drive and the energy to pursue a paying job (it would have been the first of my life), but I am seeing that the burn-out within goes very deep.

It's to the point that I actually dread future service (next school year as an intern at ACRS) because it depletes me so much currently. My energy and inspiration tank is running quite low. So this summer I'm moving home with Mom & Dad and will try to observe some semblance of a sabbatical. I feel a bit of a failure for being so weak as to have to come to this point, but I honestly really need some rest.

The LORD works righteousness
   and justice for all the oppressed. (Psalm 103:6)

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
   He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart (Isaiah 40:11)

I have to trust that even as I withdraw from "the scene" for awhile, God is at work.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

It's time for me to bow out for a bit. I'm praying for the strength to make it through the rest of this quarter! Panic attack free, plz. :)