Well, that's over.

So I can now say that I've had the complete 500 Days of Summer experience. I've been both protagonists now: Summer Finn, the heartbreaker, and Tom Hansen, the one with a broken heart. You guys, I really think it's making me mature and wise; I'm not even joking. It's making me a more compassionate person.

When I was young I didn't understand why people in relationships would treat each other in shitty ways and make each other cry, but now my eyes have been opened. I get it so much more. I don't judge people for making mistakes in relationships, hurting each other inadvertently[i] because of fear, selfishness, misunderstandings and incorrect assumptions.

I was really struck by a statement Rashida Jones made in an interview for her movie, Celeste and Jesse Forever which she co-wrote and acted in. Paraphrase: “I’ve learned not to take things so personally. When people hurt me, I’ve learned that very rarely are they doing it maliciously or intentionally. So I just need to get over that.” Ugh, it seems so obvious, but it’s so helpful to remember this.

The Bingley/Bennett saga I’ve off-handedly mentioned in some of my past posts is now over and done. And what could I possibly write to express the odd mixture of relief, sadness, anxiety and peace I am feeling[ii]?

Last July or so I started being interested in a person, kind of out of the blue. As my dad says, “The heart wants what the heart wants,” but I didn’t know why my heart wanted what it wanted. I was confused by my own feelings and attraction to this person, who, in my opinion, was not necessarily the kind of person I’d usually feel drawn to.

My first instinct when I sense that I might be starting to “like” someone is to suppress the feelings and try and amputate them, as if they were something unnatural, undesirable and foreign. I do this because I have internalized 1 Corinthians 7[iii] beyond what is actually healthy and helpful. I automatically assume that any “crush” I may have on a person must be an idol that must be destroyed as soon as possible. Joshua Harris, if I ever encounter you in the street, I will jokingly strangle you but it won’t be a joke at all. Ugh, curse you and your “infatuation” talk and “one size fits all” Christian courtship paradigm!!!

That rant aside, I continue my narrative. I sensed that I “liked” this certain person last July, and decided to take a gamble, be mature, and not just deny and stuff down my feelings but actually acknowledge them, feel them and see where it would take me. Maybe a romantic relationship with someone could be something good and useful, not just a means to distract me from my devotion and life lived in service to God. Perhaps God could have a good purpose in two people becoming partners and working as a team together. I was willing to give it all the benefit of the doubt.

And yet, I found myself embroiled in the often overly complicated “dance” of not knowing if this other person liked me back, and of not knowing if I was making it clear enough that I was interested. Throughout it all I was praying, “God, what do you think? If this isn’t supposed to go anywhere, would you make that clear? If you want it to go somewhere, would you please talk to [insert person’s name] so that they’ll take the initiative to talk to me about it?”

And I waited. Oh, did I wait. It was so confusing! It was uncomfortable.

I told close friends and family: “I think we’re on the road to nowhere.” Now I know without a doubt that we actually were. And now it’s over.

I don’t regret opening up my heart and allowing myself to “like” someone. I’m proud of myself for being fearless and putting myself out there, even if it meant getting my heart moderately broken. I applaud myself for being vulnerable.

I may appear strong and intelligent, articulate and competent, but I’m never going to apologize for or hide the fact that I am human, sensitive and deeply desire to one day to be with someone that will love and care for me.

It didn’t work out this time. You know, that’s okay. Six months of unemployment and a failed graduate school attempt have taught me that despite the seeming “dead ends” of life, God’s always got something greater up his sleeve.

God, you devious bastard. Looking forward for what you have for me next.

---

[i] I wrote “inadvertently” for a reason. Keep in mind that I absolutely believe that those who perpetrate psychological and physical abuse, any kind of intimate partner violence, must be held accountable. If perpetrators aren't seeking active treatment or counseling in order to develop non-destructive ways of coping and engaging in conflict, they should be condemned and penalized to the fullest extent of the law, goddammit.

[ii] I made a weird break-up YouTube playlist that is speaking to my soul, if you’re interested in listening. http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLasRvYvSQDcVvhbUhMetxz8jR6jAo6bVH

[iii] “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:23-35).

"Let's not be elitist, April."

Okay, so hopefully every human being in the world is on an individual path of continual growth and transformation. Soooo I'm going to share a little bit about mine. Since moving back in with my parents after graduating from college, spending so much time with them has made me privy of their flaws, just as they have become privy to mine. Today I want to talk about being elitist.

Symptoms of April's Snobbery: 

• Biting, disdainful comments about mainstream popular culture (e.g. Dancing with the Stars, Miley Cyrus/Taylor Swift, Glee)
• Passive-aggressive comments about people making uninformed consumer choices (e.g. shopping at Wal-mart, buying bananas and Proctor & Gamble products, "Oh, I only buy organic fair trade cocoa powder")
• Smugly & inwardly gloating at single-occupant motor vehicles as I bike to my alternative homeopathic massage therapy appointment 
• Using abstruse academic jargon unnecessarily (e.g. constructivist paradigm, internalized oppression, the law of diminishing returns, fundamental attribution error)
• Being impatient with friends and family that are not progressive enough (e.g. anti-racist, feminist, body-positive, anti-oppressive and intersectional-->Subtext: "Why can't you be cool like me?")
• Projecting (intentionally or not) a demeanor of judging and self-righteous superiority

Why am I like this? Okay, so now let's commence the nature vs. nurture argument. 

NATURE: I'll be honest; my personality-type tends to be rigid and preachy. This is "how I roll." Granted, I can notice when I'm getting way too ramped up and tightly-wound and try to "tone it down." However, it's an indisputable fact that whether or not I verbalize my harsh judgments of myself and others, I still have them. 

As a self-absorbed perfectionist, I demand a LOT of myself--spiritually, ethically and intellectually. It follows, then, that I'm also quite hard on others when it comes to their thoughts and behaviors. Ugh, and as an intuitive person sometimes all I can see are others' flaws and their selfish motivations. I am a critic and a "glass half-empty" sort of person. Tuff. That's how it goes.

NURTURE: The prevailing cultural hegemony of my generation is without doubt (white) hipsterism. As a middle class American woman, I am about 70% hipster, for better or for worse (mostly worse). Elitism is a cardinal tenant of hipsterism. Being cynical, sarcastic and holier-than-thou in general is what being a hipster is all about.  

Furthermore, as a graduate of an institution of exclusive and elite higher learning I am, by default, an elitist. The main assumption of elitism is that being "enlightened" with "knowledge" makes a person inherently better than a high school dropout or a boorish midwestern redneck (sorry to use this slur, but uh, you'd be lying if you don't use it in the privacy of your own home, too). 

All hail the king of elitism, Dr. Frasier Crane!

I apologize if that pop culture reference is lost on you. 

So. Conclusions? Yes, I am an elitist. I am a snob. I am a self-righteous, grudgingly hipster, unbearable judger of all things that can be judged. There's no use in denying it. 

All I can tell you is this: I'm working on it. I have good days and I have bad days. Ideally, I always want to be in the space of "I just love everyone and I want to affirm everyone and you are beautiful and weeeeeee! life is beautiful, the end." Until then, I will try my utmost to be more compassionate, gentle and understanding with myself and humanity in general. Can't make any promises. But I will try. 

Three Celebrities I Wholeheartedly Endorse

All right, peeps! While I usually express somewhat of an elitist disdain for celebrity culture and celebrity worship, the following three mainstream celebs have without a doubt garnered my full support! 

Number One: Mindy Kaling

Most famous for portraying Kelly Kapoor in NBC's The Office, also a writer, producer and director

Other credits: Recently published a memoir Is Everyone Hanging Out with Me? (And Other Concerns) and will be starring in her own sitcom called The Mindy Project starting on the fall.

Basic info: 33 years old, South Asian American, graduate of Dartmouth

Why I respect her: First of all, Mindy is, like, the only Asian American female actress that I've encountered that does NOT play an overly sexualized or racially stereotypical role (I'm indicting you, LUCY LIU!). Not only that, she is also a talented writer and has produced and directed at The Office. So right off the bat I am a fan.

Second, she has the perfect constellation of traits: 

• generation-y 
• middle class upbringing
• prestigious liberal arts education/vocabulary
• is completely witty+hilarious
• has a fresh perspective on body issues (i.e. she acknowledges the pressures of being thin in Hollywood yet considers dieting as a sort of fun pastime. In other words, she doesn't take "weight issues" too seriously--preoccupations like that don't consumer her.)
• unashamed about her obsession with TV and pop culture She knows that she's totally mainstream re: her movie tastes. I mean, she's aware that romantic comedies are awful and contrived. She's made peace with that and just enjoys it for what it is: trashy, implausible escapism.
• she's not totally consumed with race. God, what a relief!!! I mean, obviously she's racially aware, but she doesn't have a personal vendetta against all white people that ever lived. Whew. She straddles the intersections of her race & class with real grace, I believe. GO MINDY! 

Where to begin if not a fan yet? I would recommend reading her autobiography, hands down. I mean, it's definitely meandering and unfocused in a lot of spots, but it will literally make you laugh out loud AND you will also start to love her. Available for Kindle on KCLS Overdrive.

Number Two: Donald Glover

Most famous for portraying Troy Barnes in NBC's Community.


Other credits: former writer for NBC's 30 Rock, has a Comedy Central stand-up special, Weirdo, and is a rapper on the side by the name of Childish Gambino.

Basic Info: 28 years old, African American, graduate of New York University

Why I respect him: Like Kaling, Donald Glover does not portray a "typical" black male on Community. He is somewhat nerdy (in a cool way) and is a likable character (unlike Omar Epps in House or Phoenix in Fast Five--ugh, the black "bad guy" trope bugs the heck out of me!).


Constellation of awesome traits:

• generation-y
• middle class upbringing
• parents are devout Jehovah's witnesses and took in foster kids (i.e. He is a really considerate and aware person)
• presitigious liberal arts education/vocabulary
• sharp wit Many of Troy's lines in Community are improvised
• is diplomatic about race In interviews he's been asked about how the role of Troy was originally meant to be a white male, and in response he's said, "Well, let's face it, I am pretty white.. I'm basically a black hipster." He's definitely aware of race, the legacies of racism and the consequences today (see his tweets re: Trayvon Martin). Yet, he seems to have that incredible ability to navigate different contexts (elite white Hollywood land and the black underground hip-hop scene and err'ything in between) while still being his laid back, affable self. Again, his intersection of class & race makes him a super special, awesome, generalization-defying dude. Baratunde Thurston would be proud. 

Where to begin if not a fan yet? Community Season 1, the pilot episode. Then I'd jump to season 3, "Origins of Vampire Mythology." He was awesome in that. Also, watching his stand-up exponentially increased my admiration levels.

Number Three: Marcus Samuelsson

Most famous for being a celebrity chef on the Food Network.

Other credits: guest chef for Obama, owner of Red Rooster in Harlem, philanthropist, author of several cookbooks and a memoir Yes, Chef

Basic info: 42 years old, Ethiopian-born & Swedish-raised, graduate of Gothenberg Culinary Institute

Why I respect him: I first saw Marcus Samuelsson as a guest on Chopped and noticed immediately how polite, articulate and encouraging he was in everything he said. Later, I saw him display his cooking chops on The Next Iron Chef America (he was cut WAY too early) and in Chopped Champions II (which he won!). What impressed me is his ambition in every challenge to tackle really complex dishes and new combinations--he doesn't settle for mediocre or "safe." What sealed the deal was the charity he competed for, Careers through Culinary Arts Program, and how he talked so passionately about creating avenues for young, low-income black youth to experience success and satisfaction in American society instead of getting disillusioned and ending up dead/in prison. I respect that he immersed himself in Harlem and really took in its history and politics and he's so game to invest in the community. LASTLY, he created an entire website, Food Republic, as a means to fight gender norms by encouraging men to cook and host. In sum, Samuelsson is a killer chef + social activist + paradigm shifter. WTF, how does he exist?

Winning traits:

• trans-racially adopted Gives him such a unique perspective! How many people do YOU know that are Ethiopian-Swedish? His multicultural background makes him appreciate and value others' culture and his also grants him this huge edge in fusion cooking that isn't cultural appropriation but comes from a sincere place.
• middle class upbringing
• multilingual (Swedish, English, some Amharic and German)
• prestigious culinary background Yet he earned every promotion, slowly working his way up from prep boy to head chef.
• down-to-earth, kind-hearted This man deserves every bit of fame and them some!
• knows what's up about race He identifies with people of color in the U.S. and just "gets it" even though he grew up in Sweden. It's awesome. And he expresses it all in a polite but firm way, like when he explained how young black men in Harlem have few opportunities for success, which is why Careers through Culinary Arts is so important. 

Where to begin if not a fan yet? Watch for him on Chopped! I promise, his warmth and humanity will shine through. It's incredible. Also, his memoir, Yes, Chef, is really heartwarming.

Themes

So there are definitely some apparent commonalities among these three celebrities. The main reason why I think they're the bees knees is that they carry the unique identities of being both middle class and people of color, which makes them their own special breed. They all at once belong nowhere, yet can adapt anywhere. They're in touch with oppressed groups (due to race) yet also travel in highly exclusive and elite social circles. They're basically amazing and--I'll say it--they are my role models!

What celebrities (if any) would you endorse?

"Maladaptive" Coping Mechanisms

What exactly constitutes a "maladaptive" coping behavior?

I've been mulling over this question a lot lately. With little to no structure to my life as of late, I've been very cognizant of how I spend my free time. It's gotten me to think about how a lot of what I do with my free time is a way to "deal" or cope with life.

The world is harsh. It's brutal. I mean, duh. We live in ambiguity because life is a mix of seemingly senseless and overwhelming tragedy as well as larger than life happiness that we share with others. How does one manage to stay away from becoming a "Pollyanna" (denying anything "wrong" with the world) on one hand, while at the same time not become an Eeyore (everything is bad, so why ever expect it to be good? P.S. I suck). So anyway, people have various ways of "dealing"/staying sane. 

The traditional conception of "acceptable" ways to deal are usually graphically represented in a multi-colored triangle or Venn diagram. Maintaining your sanity is "simply" a manner of attending to all of the different dimensions of yourself: your emotional self, your spiritual self, your physical self, your social self, your psychological self--and on and on and on. 

I decided that after graduation, as a way to practice "self-care," that I was going to try and avoid exposing myself to so much trauma through one-on-one work with trauma survivors, etc. However, it seems that trauma/suffering is just, like, EVERYWHERE (our neighbors six houses down the street just got robbed in broad daylight for crying out loud). I've learned that running away from human suffering just isn't the answer. YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

So anyway, here are some of the ways that I try and "deal" with the tragedy of human existence:

1. SITCOM MEDIA/EASY ANSWERS LANE/HAPPY ENDINGS HAPPYCLOUDLAND: Any movie, TV show or book with an oversimplified, overwrought, contrived plot with a happy ending--I'm sold. Why settle for the unpredictability and messiness of real life when you can enjoy a formula of (1) trivial "conflict" that ends in a (2) "life lesson" all for the price of 25 minutes! My favorite sitcoms lately have been Community and Parks and Recreation. Movie of choice? I Hate Luv Storys. Who wouldn't love a goofy opposites-attract movie where poor people don't exist and everyone is young and beautiful?
2. SUBSTANCE USE: Okay, so far I haven't acted on my inclinations, but  the world is just so sad and messed up that I get these sudden urges to binge-drink alcohol. I now begin to understand why chemical dependency is so prevalent in society. Life is so intense sometimes that NOT feeling anymore sounds veeerrrrry appealing. I'll take anything to not feel overwhelmed anymore. Tell me if I'm wrong.
3. FOOD: I have literally caught myself having feelings of anxiety, going to the kitchen and eating a cookie/muffin and then experiencing the anxiety dissipate, if but for a short period of time. Food comforts me, so binge eating is a way to try and maximize that comforting feeling...that is, until I'm bloated and disgusted with myself. Lawl.
4. VOYEURISM/WASTING AWAY ON THE INTERNET: Life is much simpler if you leave it to actors and celebrities to live it for you. HAH! Rather than actually talk with my family, we'll watch a movie about a fictional family and call it a day. I hate when people say "It's so ironic," BUT IN THIS CASE IT IS! #meta Also, I'm sometimes given to uncontrollable bouts of surfing Wikipedia, reading the most random personal details about actors, actresses and musicians. Then I walk away from the computer three hours later in a daze, feeling ashamed like I've just eaten five bags of Doritos. 
5. TRANSCENDENT SPIRITUAL TRUTHS/PRAYER: It's a lot easier to "deal" when I can rely on the fact that although people are LITERALLY getting away with MURDER every single day, that ultimately there will be a "final judgment" where Jesus will cast those no good S.o.B.'s that prey on vulnerable women and children into the FIRES OF HELL. Muahahahahahaha! "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:19). There's also this idea of "Well, God knows what he's doing" sooo...Why blame him for everything? Blahblahblah, free will vs. grace/Why do bad things happen to good people/I AM STILL GRAPPLING WITH THIS O.K., PPL?!

Okay, so obviously, this list is not exhaustive. However, it really makes me wonder, what sorts of coping behaviors are "acceptable"/"permissible" and which are considered "maladaptive?" The trendy phrase these days seems to be "Everything in moderation." Add that to a layer of post-modernist relativism and you get the conclusion that each person alone knows which coping behaviors are maladaptive for them and at what magnitude they become maladaptive. 

HAHAHA, wow, so basically we've learned nothing.

But back to talking about me (I love the self-indulgent nature of blogs!). I definitely am aware of my actions. I have an intuitive sense of when I've "gone too far" and am using a specific coping behavior as a means to escape/avoid my current feelings or the "reality of the world" or whatever. But now I'm thinking, is it even desirable to be always "on," to be always "present" and feeling 100% and aware and sensitive and self-reflective? I mean, that just sounds tiring to me.

This past year one thing I've committed to is the notion of "Be gentle on yourself." You know, don't expect so much from yourself.. don't be super hard on yourself. .don't exigir a level of productivity that's simply beyond your own capacity..

My tentative conclusion on the matter is this: I will allow myself to escape every once in awhile through  TV, through food, through humor.. but ultimately these moments of escapism are a temporary diversion from grappling with and struggling with and seeking to understand the greater matters of life. All of these nagging questions, they're going to haunt me relentlessly until I air them, talk about them with trusted family and friends, pray about them, gain more experience with them--and I really am a firm believer in this process...the stages of conflict, disbelief, struggle, confusion, despair...because I believe that ultimately I will arrive somewhere. My understanding may not be complete, but it will be deeper. I'll be able to handle the complexity and subtlety with a defter hand. 

The product of SEEKING THE TRUTH is gaining the tools to navigate the very ambiguity you try to avoid.

¿Me explico?

Mandatory Hunger Games Post

 Ugggggggggggh, I've been putting off posting about the Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins because I know that admitting I read the books is like saying I liked the movie The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks (which by the way I did NOT).Blargh, I hate myself for liking something so mainstream and over-hyped. BUT despite my many reservations, I have to give Collins props for including a lot of relevant social themes that would really benefit Americans to think about every once in awhile (instead of living in denial through various mind-altering substances and TV programs like Gossip Girl and Jersey Shore). Wake up, people! Sh1t is going down and denying it will only make it worse. Sorry, I just have to indict greater "society" every once and awhile. #SOAPBOXMOMENT

Here is an exhaustive list of the themes that I appreciate from The Hunger Games. Feel free to chime in if I missed something. :)

Social Themes from The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins

• Classism/Poverty: The oppression and exploitation of traditionally "blue collar" laborers (mining, farming, etc.) uhhhhhh this might make all the little kids read about it actually wonder, "Who picks the grapes that I'm eating?" or "Who put my [stupid freaking/totally unnecessary] iPhone together?" Hahaha, good job, Suzanne Collins, for tipping your hat to the victims of globalization. 
• Colonization/Globalization/Mercantilism: One "developed entity" (District 1="The West") enjoys the finished products of smaller "developing" regions that provide cheap labor and raw materials
• Gender Roles: It's kind of amazing that Katniss isn't a helpless damsel in distress like the person Kristen Stewart plays in Twilight. Was her name Bella? Anyway, Katniss actually has a personality (???) and is competent in survival skills (???). She don't need to man to stay alive. Um, how ballsy is that to have a self-sufficient woman who does not necessarily find her ultimate satisfaction in snagging a hubbie??
• War's Moral Ambiguity/Pacifism: Do ends justify means? I think about the arguments for torture techniques with POW "terrorists." Does the waterboarding and electro-shocking justify the "intelligence" gained, the potential lives saved? (Amnesty International would say, "no.") Is accidentally killing civilians when trying to expose "terrorists" a "necessary evil" for peace? When Gale leads the avalanche on District 2, when the children (and then Prim) are bombed at the Capital, can you say that was the only way to end the violence? Fight violence with more violence? Have you read The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis? One of his speeches is "Why I am not a Pacifist." I could go on and on about this and never reach a conclusion.
• Mass Media/Brainwashing/Propaganda: If the government controls the dissemination of all information, can the masses be manipulated into submission without any opposing perspectives? What is truth? How critically do we really think when we read news articles, watch footage, etc.? More and more I see how easily human minds can be molded by dogma, tradition, irrationality--ack, it's kind of frightening.
• Rugged Individualism (Dehumanization) vs. Collectivism (Compassion): In the arena will "good will" or "kill or be killed" reign? When forced under the most difficult of circumstances, are we all just animals looking to protect our own livelihood and interests at the cost of others'?
• Politics/Power: It's All Messy/Everyone is Corrupt/Self-Interest Rules: The idea of gray area, no distinct "good guys" vs. "bad guys," especially when it comes to institutional power and maintaining it. In order to gain power and maintain it, a lot of moral concessions/compromises have to be made. E.g. Katniss killed Coin b/c she knew Coin would protect her own incumbency (which Katniss threatened). Check out political theory about this; it's fascinating.
• Substance Abuse/Dependency/Escapism: Haymitch as a (mostly) functional alcoholic in order to cope with loss and the harshness of reality.. Johanna and Katniss becoming dependent on morphling, as well as many of the surviving Victors from past Games. When reality becomes too tough to bear, when you feel helpless and cornered, just tap out with drugs. They don't take away the pain but at least they dull it. I talked to my gpa about this the other day and we agreed that those who become chemically dependent are those who are just so sensitive, that feel their own pain and the pain of others so acutely that they just can't take it; it's too overwhelming. Anyway, I'm glad that Collins included this, even though it may seem to "dark" for kids.
• Reality TV/Video Cameras Shape Personal Behavior/Acting in Order to Be Watched: Dude, this is real and it is live. On a grand scale, celebs and rich people are glorified in reality TV which capitalizes on the human penchant for voyeurism. They live it up, act dramatic and are often not themselves--they play up a caricature for the audience. How much is that happening now at the grassroots level through Facebook, Twitter and MySpace? How many people are constructing themselves to "be seen" by peers as a certain "character" (popular, witty, sexy). How much of personal decisions and choices are made just in order to "post" about them later? I mean, this is really scary. 
• Diaspora/Refugee Status/Displacement: The reality of refugees and a lot of immigrants is that you're stuck in this double-bind: you can't go back to your homeland because it's f*cked up there (civil war, government repression/corruption, mass poverty) but the new place you're in is just not that great (cultural vertigo, rootlessness). This is somewhat like Katniss & all of District 12 when their home is destroyed and they are forced to flee to District 13 which is rigid, strictand not dream-like/ideal at all. Oh, the tragedy of displacement!
• PTSD/Trauma Bites: Enuf said. Peeta & Katniss with their vivid nightmares after witnessing the deaths of many, mass killing through bombing and fire, torture, near-death experiences. All of these count as "traumatic incidents" in the DSM-IV, and they take a toll. I'm glad that in the books they don't get over it, that they're scarred and haunted, that it affects their daily functioning. WELCOME TO THE LIFE OF A REFUGEE. Damn.
• Savior Complex/Non-Harm/Tragic Hero: Okay, so maybe this isn't original AT ALL (see: Harry Potter), but I feel for Katniss when she takes on that enormously heavy responsibility of protecting the well-being of her vulnerable dependents (mother, sister, Peeta, Gale, etc.). She takes it all upon herself to act "right" in order to prevent harm to them, and to help the vulnerable citizens in the oppressed districts, yet finds that all she does is get people killed! (People are dying left & right for her! I mean, in the third book, dang--so many casualties. I think of that bombed hospital, just awful). And although she realizes she has enormous power to rally the "people," she's overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and an acute awareness of her own imperfections, her impulsiveness. The ultimate lesson is don't try to be anyone's angel, okay? Hah. CanNOT stress this enough.
• Vanity/Bourgeois Culture: It's a reality that in the Hunger Games, physical appearance and pageantry are almost as valuable as practical skills used in the arena. Again, it's about projecting an image, of "beauty" being indicative of one's level of intelligence, competence, and even character (I'm not even kidding)! And it's like, for the coddled, spoiled Capital peeps, they become fixated upon vanity, hedonism (bingeing/purging), celebrity, gossip. They're just oblivious of the underclass. Grrrr.. it's too real.
• Possibility for a Multiethnic Cast: Dude, not everyone is just assumed to be white. What? is going on? Science fiction never has people of color. (Okay, sure, you could point to the captain of Deep Space Nine but that is an EXCEPTION, not the rule) Buuut wait? Katniss and Gale have olive skin, grey eyes and black hair--the "Seam look" sounds awfully NATIVE to me. Also, her dad knows how to hunt, has knowledge of nature (plants, etc.), sings folk songs--am I just reading way too into this? Whatever, I don't care what people say. I'm going to believe that Katniss is half Native and half white, okay?! Also, Rue and Thresh--hey they're black! Amaaazing. I mean, they both die; I was expecting that (just watch any horror or action flick, the people of color get picked off mighty early on, if they're included at all). But Rue is just sweet, resourceful and Thresh is a bad@$$ yet merciful in not killing Katniss. I'm just mad-pleased that there are ANY people of color, so hey, mega props to u, Suzanne Collins. Thanx. Maybe next time try including Asian Americans. We have a lot of purchasing power. Our median income is higher than the white man's; take note.
• Suicide as Rational Choice: Wow, loved the "Hanging Tree." Whoa.. I mean, do we ever as humans have the actual wisdom and discernment to know if things have gotten so bad that dying is better than anything else that could happen were we to continue living? Haha, in my political science/econ classes they talk about the "rational choice" of people doing "irrational" things like suicide bombings. It's like, hey professors up in your ivory towers, people aren't having crazy dissociative breaks when they commit suicide. They have viable reasons for doing so--I don't need to read your 20-page journal article to figure this out. lol, or think about the Death with Dignity Act. Do the elderly really think that dying is a better option than living with chronic illnesses and pain? Or, in the case of Katniss with Peeta, how could she have actually known and convinced herself that there was no hope for his psychological recovery--enough to "mercy kill" him? As humans we have the agency to kill ourselves and to kill others. What causes some to use this agency and others to not? Desperation? Fear? Hopelessness? Hubris?
• LOVE PREVAILS: Okay, I'm always a sucker for a happy ending. But just this notion that has survived through history--that out of the ashes something truly beautiful can emerge; it's irresistible to me. HOPE. RENEWAL. LIFE. "What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of descruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again" (388). Uh, YES and PLEASE.

 Haha, I actually really enjoy the Hunger Games just because it provides a non-threatening way to talk about some really controversial stuff. Because you can talk all "hypothetically" by discussing the characters and their choices, rather than the actual "political"/historical stuff--cuz, like I said, that can be "too real" for some, you know? Yo, but for all of the deep thinkers out there (i.e. all my close friends and a lot of my family), it's just another excuse to wax philosophical/theological/intellectual--just talk for a really long time about abstract concepts and the "future of humanity" and all that stuff. Haha, don't lie, we love it.

Okay, and to make sure this review is a bit more balanced, I've gotta get these last things off my chest.

Gripes about The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins 
(i.e. The Author's Popular Fiction Concessions)

•  LOVE TRIANGLE: WTF gag me with an effing spoon. I cannot believe Collins stooped so low to attract more readers. UGH whyyyyy pander to the base sentimentality of the general populaaace??? Booooooooo. And why does Katniss have to choose the middle class boy with the Aryan features instead of the low-income, savvy Native-looking dude with the rock hard body?? Suzanne Collins, you don't have to keep reinforcing what Stephanie Meyers already did in Twilight where the girl ends up choosing the paler, "civilized" dude instead of the woodsy, OLIVE SKINNED, BLACK HAIRED Native guy. Actually Suzanne, I bet you did this subconsciously and implicitly. I'll let you get away with it this time, but learn from this and make your next series better, okay?
• Peeta: Noooo Suzanne Collins, don't do this to teenaged girls all around the world. What guy out there is as self-aware, verbally expressive and (almost creepily) self-sacrificing/protective as Peeta? I mean, damn, woman, Peeta is a trifecta of un-reality--it's just blinding. Teenaged girls of the world, prepare for a rude awakening when you realize your Peeta is never coming for you. Come on, Suzanne, you're better than this--better than feeding the overstuffed, genetically mutated knight-in-shining-armor COW that IS young girls' minds. I'm not saying that men cannot be sensitive, articulate, self-aware and self-sacrificing buuuuuuuuut you'd have to admit, it's kind of rare? (Tell me if I'm way out of line here).
• War Melodrama or "Katniss almost-dies a million times: Seriously, how many times does she have to black out from an injury in "battle" and wake up in some emergency room hooked up to a morphling drip?! You know this is a legitimate gripe. Again, I understand that the "drama" of it all keeps readers on the edge of their seats and appeals to a wider audience, but could we go for more understatement next time?

Well, no more glaring gripes from this chica! As you can see, way more commendations for Collins than admonitions.  Along the lines of "pretty fly for a white guy," (sorry if I offend people with this reverse-racist microaggresion) I think The Hunger Games series is "pretty dope for popular fiction." Yah.

THE END

Thanx 4 reading.

Using Celebrity for Good

I'm always inspired when I read about actresses who have the guts to speak out against the sick, image-obsessed industry they work in. See Raven Symone, Margaret Cho and Gabourey Sidibe.

Let's now add Ms. Jennifer Lawrence. She's been criticized for being "too fat" to play a "starving" impoverished Katniss.

GLAMOUR: You must be in amazing shape.

JL: I hate saying, “I like exercising.” I want to punch people who say that in the face.

Ha! Further reading:
-The ‘fatness’ of Katniss? Jennifer Lawrence laughs off insults
-Jennifer Lawrence Calls Out Bad Body Image Role Models For Girls In Hollywood

RIP Whitney Houston

I know it may seem so five minutes ago, but I'm still reeling over the death of Whitney Houston. Many people have raised a brow to my sincere sadness at her passing, and I too, don't quite understand why it affected me in such a profound manner.

I've been listening to Whitney Houston since I was six years old. I would spend afternoons lying on my back next to my Uncle Fred's boombox, repeatedly listening to her incredible vocals in The Bodyguard soundtrack. "I Will Always Love You," "I Have Nothing" and "Run to You" will forever have a special place in my heart. I love the movie The Preacher's Wife. It is Christian, sentimental and has a happy ending. Man, Whitney, where did it all go wrong?

What haunts me most about her death is that it epitomizes the tragedy and fragility of human existance. Taunt me if you may about how seriously I am taking all of this, but for realz, this has hit me hard! Just humor me for a bit.

Let's review the arc of Whitney Houston's life (the details of which I have gleaned from her 2009 in-depth interview with Oprah Winfrey). She was raised a devout Baptist. She had incredible, unmatched vocal talent. She had a sincere, caring heart and wanted to share her gift with the world. And yet the overwhelming pressures of celebrity and an incongruous marriage led to her drug addiction and, most likely, her death.

I'm saddened because she was just such an incredible artist. Her vocal control, range and authentic expression is absolutely unmatched. And even though it may be absurd that I identify with her and feel like I knew her personally, I don't care! Rest in peace, Whitney! You are a gift from God.

FAT.

So I've been tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep tonight. My brain cannot shut down and be quiet; I think "processing" through a blog post might help. I've been wanting to post on this topic for a long while now, but it seems that every time I begin, there's simply too much to write about and I give up. Well, we'll see how much rambling I can fit--just don't expect this to be particularly concise or coherent.

In the past five years or so my interest in body image has skyrocketed. Recently it's been constantly on my mind. In high school I read Can't Buy My Love by Jean Kilbourne as an assignment for rhetoric class. She writes about the power of media (specifically advertising) to shape the way women see themselves. It raised my consciousness to realize that beauty ads were meant to make me feel dissatisfied with the way I looked (so that I would buy the marketed product to "fix" my "flaws"), food ads were meant to make me crave unhealthy junk while punishing/berating myself for "indulging" in them and clothing/fashion ads were meant to make me idolize thinness, youth and whiteness. (Sidenote: I'm starting to realize more and more that women are seriously oppressed--this whole "thin" beauty ideal is just the tip of the iceberg. It's awful.)

THEN last year I'm so glad that my roomie Hillary did an internship with NEDA, the National Eating Disorders Association, which provided many opportunities to dialogue about how pervasive body-hatred is among women. (Another sidenote: However widespread body dissatisfaction may be, Hillary & Faith really opened my eyes to see what women WITHOUT it can look like. I noticed right away from living with them that they hadn't internalized all the pressures to be super thin--I never heard negative-self talk from them about their bodies! E.g. "I need to lose five pounds." "I think I'm getting fat." "Ugh, my thighs are HUGE!" Talk about a breath of fresh air.) I read The Religion of Thinness by Michelle Lelwica, which articulated well the way women perpetuate the need to be thin. She compared it to a religion with rules (be self-controlled, disciplined, avoid "bad" foods) and rituals (overexercising, binging, purging, starvation). She was also really into the mindfulness practice of "listening to your body" for hunger/satiety signals and stuff, but I'd leave that by the wayside if I were you.

And THEN this past summer I read this book called Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters by Courtney E. Martin which I really enjoyed...mostly because I share all social identities with the author except for race (young adult, female, middle class, college-educated). She shares a lot of stories from her own life and the stories of friends. What struck me most was that any woman, really, can potentially develop an eating disorder. Like, seriously. We're all just hanging by a thread. As Hillary wisely told me, all women lie somewhere on a spectrum between "I love my body and am impervious to pressures to conform to a socially constructed beauty norm" & compulsive, disordered thoughts and behavior around food.

I think about where personally I fall on that spectrum today, and I would say I'm somewhere in the middle, probably more towards the compulsive/disordered side to be completely honest. I struggle with comparing my body (especially my legs) to other womens'. Sometimes I feel like food is my enemy, trying to get me fat. Sometimes I exercise for an hour at a time to desperately avoid being fat.

Now that I've hit 21 years, my metabolism has started to slow down. The overeating, rich desserts and fatty snacks actually catch up to me instead of magically metabolizing overnight. I feel a loss of control sometimes when I see that I have gained ten pounds since beginning college.

A lot of the time I feel foolish for being a victim to my own vanity. I get down on myself for being vulnerable to societal norms and pressures to conform. I think, "I should be above this! This is all bullsh1t and I know it!" But I think this is something that I'll battle for my whole life. I pray for God's grace and for his help because I'd really like to be thinking about bigger and better/more useful things than my caloric intake and the way I can make my thighs look thinner by wearing the right pair of jeans.

In the meantime, I've found some helpful tools for fighting against the pressure without and within to be really, really thin!
1. Limit my media consumption: TV just reinforces the paradigm that thin is best. Fat people are invisible (not represented) or the butt of jokes. (I could do an entire additional post about the normalization of frighteningly skinny women in TV, movies and magazines!)
2. adiosbarbie.com This website inspires me! The women who post here are smart, savvy and amazingly counter-cultural. Extra plus: They talk about intersections with race!
3. Talk to other women about it: Every woman I know is affected by the pressure to be thin, though we rarely bring it up. Whenever I do mention it and open up about my struggle with it, I find my friends and family opening right back up to me, too. You'd be surprised with the solidarity you can encounter out there, especially from friends who are vulnerable like you but keep trying to FIGHT THE POWER (I mean you, Rachel!)!
4. Lift my eyes up: Spending time in prayer and reading the Bible really help me to gain a bigger perspective on life. Life is not just about what you can see with your eyes or being seen by others. Being thin/attractive may grant status and power in the world, but that's not really what I want, anyway. Though they are tempting (status & power). ;)

Okay, that was a lot. Glad to get it outta my system. Stay strong, my fellow women.

Let's go!!!!

Artists!

So what have I been doing with my spare time now that school's out and I'm chillin' like a villain? Watching videos of the JabbaWockeeZ like crazy. They're just completely AMAZING!! Watch them!!



Sick!!


SO LEGIT.