News of the Significant Kind

You know that last week of the school year, when class is basically a complete sham and all you do is sign yearbooks and watch movies and clean out your desk? I feel like that in a way right now, because one chapter of my life is closing and another one is beginning.

The non-profit I interned with in 2010 has extended an invitation for me to join their staff as Volunteer Coordinator starting in August. The current coordinator, Carolyn, will be returning to the States to enroll in graduate school, and I'll be taking her place. In other words, I'm moving to Mexico next month. I'm really, really looking forward to it.

In February of this year, before I'd even known about the job opening in Mexico, I had been looking through my old journals hoping it would give me some insight into where next to put my focus. The job I have currently as a secretary is great, don't get me wrong. My co-workers are friendly, it pays well and I more or less know what I'm doing. Yet ever since I started in November, I've always been cognizant of the fact that this job was not necessarily "the one" that would keep me happy and fulfilled for the rest of my life.

Just because my job paid well, though, I did not want to lose sight of my dreams and passion. I think about the book The Alchemist when Santiago, whose dream it was to leave Spain and visit the ancient pyramids, becomes sidetracked when he lands a job in a glass shop. He excels at being a salesman, and makes a lot of money, and it temporarily makes me forget about his dream. He is trapped by the justification of, tomorrow, tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow.

So when I got the email about the job opening with Casa de los Angeles, I was freaking out a bit. Reading through my journal entries from Mexico had made me all wistful. I had up to that point been punching myself for forsaking my first love--international work--but didn't know quite how to get back there. And here was opportunity knocking at my door.

Shit! I thought to myself. Now why would God do this to me? Would he be so cruel as to dangle this tantalizing opportunity before me only to rip it away (see: graduate school)? So I was leery. What the hell, though. Might as well try it. I met all of the qualifications and then some.

I tried not to get my hopes too high up...but I couldn't deny the fact that as I drafted my cover letter I was sweating with a racing pulse realizing how well my passion, education and work experience matched the position.

Shit! Can you tell that when I get excited all I can do is swear?

Waited a week. Interviewed. Waited four days. Got an email from the founder requesting a phone call, purpose ambiguous. "We just have one more question to ask you. Would you like to come and join us as our Volunteer Coordinator?" I immediately teared up; I had been holding everything in so much it was like FINALLY, I can celebrate! *screams*

So that’s my big news. We’re trying to fill my current position in Seattle; that’s basically all I’m waiting on before I pack up and move. I’m hoping to live in Mexico for two years at minimum. I cannot emphasize enough to you that this is my dream come true. This is all I wanted—to live in-country, become part of a community, contribute to an organization that serves people in a way that I actually agree with and be happy, you know?

Shit! Is this actually going to happen? Thanks, God.

Feel free to leave questions in the comment section and I’ll work to answer them. I’ll be posting more about what the actual job entails soon.

Pinching myself.

(X)

Well, that's over.

So I can now say that I've had the complete 500 Days of Summer experience. I've been both protagonists now: Summer Finn, the heartbreaker, and Tom Hansen, the one with a broken heart. You guys, I really think it's making me mature and wise; I'm not even joking. It's making me a more compassionate person.

When I was young I didn't understand why people in relationships would treat each other in shitty ways and make each other cry, but now my eyes have been opened. I get it so much more. I don't judge people for making mistakes in relationships, hurting each other inadvertently[i] because of fear, selfishness, misunderstandings and incorrect assumptions.

I was really struck by a statement Rashida Jones made in an interview for her movie, Celeste and Jesse Forever which she co-wrote and acted in. Paraphrase: “I’ve learned not to take things so personally. When people hurt me, I’ve learned that very rarely are they doing it maliciously or intentionally. So I just need to get over that.” Ugh, it seems so obvious, but it’s so helpful to remember this.

The Bingley/Bennett saga I’ve off-handedly mentioned in some of my past posts is now over and done. And what could I possibly write to express the odd mixture of relief, sadness, anxiety and peace I am feeling[ii]?

Last July or so I started being interested in a person, kind of out of the blue. As my dad says, “The heart wants what the heart wants,” but I didn’t know why my heart wanted what it wanted. I was confused by my own feelings and attraction to this person, who, in my opinion, was not necessarily the kind of person I’d usually feel drawn to.

My first instinct when I sense that I might be starting to “like” someone is to suppress the feelings and try and amputate them, as if they were something unnatural, undesirable and foreign. I do this because I have internalized 1 Corinthians 7[iii] beyond what is actually healthy and helpful. I automatically assume that any “crush” I may have on a person must be an idol that must be destroyed as soon as possible. Joshua Harris, if I ever encounter you in the street, I will jokingly strangle you but it won’t be a joke at all. Ugh, curse you and your “infatuation” talk and “one size fits all” Christian courtship paradigm!!!

That rant aside, I continue my narrative. I sensed that I “liked” this certain person last July, and decided to take a gamble, be mature, and not just deny and stuff down my feelings but actually acknowledge them, feel them and see where it would take me. Maybe a romantic relationship with someone could be something good and useful, not just a means to distract me from my devotion and life lived in service to God. Perhaps God could have a good purpose in two people becoming partners and working as a team together. I was willing to give it all the benefit of the doubt.

And yet, I found myself embroiled in the often overly complicated “dance” of not knowing if this other person liked me back, and of not knowing if I was making it clear enough that I was interested. Throughout it all I was praying, “God, what do you think? If this isn’t supposed to go anywhere, would you make that clear? If you want it to go somewhere, would you please talk to [insert person’s name] so that they’ll take the initiative to talk to me about it?”

And I waited. Oh, did I wait. It was so confusing! It was uncomfortable.

I told close friends and family: “I think we’re on the road to nowhere.” Now I know without a doubt that we actually were. And now it’s over.

I don’t regret opening up my heart and allowing myself to “like” someone. I’m proud of myself for being fearless and putting myself out there, even if it meant getting my heart moderately broken. I applaud myself for being vulnerable.

I may appear strong and intelligent, articulate and competent, but I’m never going to apologize for or hide the fact that I am human, sensitive and deeply desire to one day to be with someone that will love and care for me.

It didn’t work out this time. You know, that’s okay. Six months of unemployment and a failed graduate school attempt have taught me that despite the seeming “dead ends” of life, God’s always got something greater up his sleeve.

God, you devious bastard. Looking forward for what you have for me next.

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[i] I wrote “inadvertently” for a reason. Keep in mind that I absolutely believe that those who perpetrate psychological and physical abuse, any kind of intimate partner violence, must be held accountable. If perpetrators aren't seeking active treatment or counseling in order to develop non-destructive ways of coping and engaging in conflict, they should be condemned and penalized to the fullest extent of the law, goddammit.

[ii] I made a weird break-up YouTube playlist that is speaking to my soul, if you’re interested in listening. http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLasRvYvSQDcVvhbUhMetxz8jR6jAo6bVH

[iii] “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:23-35).

I'm not gonna be rich.

I was waiting for something interesting and profound to write about, but it looks like this post will be an indulgent, stream-of-consciousness ramble like most of my posts are anyway?

I've been thinking about perfectionism and exploring the different reasons that I feel this compulsive need within myself to be perfect in all areas of my life. I've been thinking about how new wave feminism failed my mother's generation and my own because it basically sends the message to women that they have to achieve competency not only family-wise and looks-wise, but intellectually and professionally as well. It's simply unfair to expect that "liberated" women achieve academic greatness, have a great career, keep a good house and stay thin. I am tired of this.

I'm starting to realize that it isn't my goal anymore to be able to "do it all." I'm also starting to toy with the idea that once I'm living on my own, I most likely will not maintain the current standard of living that my parents maintained for me throughout my childhood. I'm going to make less money than they do. I'll need to learn to make due with less "nice things," and give up the idea of having both prestige and happiness.

I think that's one thing I learned this Christmas. During the holidays, when I was with family celebrating and whatnot, it wasn't all about whether you got a promotion that year, or if you were rich enough to afford really nice presents for each other. It was about being together, status and class aside. I mean, that was nice, to not have to worry about apologizing for the fact that I'm not currently in graduate school and that the job right now is a temporary one.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm more than willing to give up monetary wealth and my upper middle class status if it means that I'll be content and able to enjoy life. I see the people around me at work coming in at 8am and staying until way past 6:30pm. I mean, that's just a horrible way to live. I covet my leisure time alone and with the people I love. Making enough money to afford a Craftsman home in Seattle is not a proper trade-off with losing most of my waking hours to work. You know what I mean?

Okay, this may sound idealistic but I'm definitely not idealizing living in a lower income bracket. Making less money than my parents isn't going to be glamorous; I know this. I'm just publicly confirming that I value my own well-being and my relationships over personal luxury and status, okay???

Thanks.

Full Circle

This morning the sun shone brightly, the sky was blue, the landscape palette richly autumnal, the air cool, pristine and soul-cleansing. Walking the Burke-Gilman trail, I thought about how I walked this very same trail, in these very same brown leather shoes three years ago. Although it's the same route, same Physics building, familiar grey armchair with a view of Lake Union, I can't help but feel giddy. I'm such a different person from when I first set foot here. Using my imagination, I remember what it was like, to be both afraid and in wonder of the University of Washington, to be studying my little tushy off, exploring the far-flung, rarely frequented libraries (chemistry, engineering, east asia, law, art) with gusto. Same laptop, same backpack, even.. but I'm not who I was! I mean, duh! But this revelation is really giving me joy today.

Beautiful view from the 6th-floor physics/astronomy "reading room." A quintessential mix of austere nature and urban chaos.

Everything is coming together. I'm studying a subject that fascinates me, I have a wonderful, delightfully small social network and finally feel comfortable in the overpopulated, giant, architecturally stunning University. I feel confident and proud of myself. Sitting here, I remember and feel deeply all of the trials I've endured to be able have this current happiness. For now, everything feels right with the world and Possibility is at my feet, within reach--altogether mysterious and intoxicating.

The providence of God never fails us.
Let us give him thanks and praise!

Sabbatical from Social Work

I'm so relieved to finally begin my sabbatical summer in earnest. I'm currently reading Henri Nouwen's Sabbatical Journey, which is a journal of his year-long sabbatical from Daybreak, a living community for people with cognitive disabilities. I am so relieved to know that it is OKAY to take a break from service and care-giving to care for myself. In the journal, Nouwen writes happily of his "small" life--just as I am reveling in mine.

My days at home are filled with simple tasks: reading, writing, prayer and naps--it's so awesome! Other than that I've been doing some additional activities just for fun and enjoyment:

• Learning Japanese through Rosetta Stone (onnanoshito wa jitenshen o motte imasu)
• Playing Dance Central 
• Learning how to ride a bike (still wobbling around, but making progress!!)
• Attending hip-hop dance class with instructor, Cinnamon, and zumba with Maria
• Cooking with my dad (we made some killer bbq chicken the other day)

Oh, this has gotta be the good life!!!!! :)