Wednesday, December 05, 2012


The honeymoon phase is over. Are you bored of hearing about my job? Well, here's another post about my job.

I am self-conscious about complaining about work, mostly because of guilt. I mean, at least I have a job, so I shouldn't complain about it. However, I'm currently weighing the decision of whether or not to apply for the permanent position. In this respect, it'd be prudent to take a measured, comprehensive analytical view of the costs and benefits of my current work situation.

What has recently been tough about this job is the heavy workload. There are times when I'm juggling six "urgent" tasks at the same time. My desk is covered in papers, my inbox is a mess and my pupils are dilated--evidence of my fight/flight stress response system hard at work. Thanks, sympathetic nervous system. My position is a strange paradox because although I'm working for the director of the division, and am therefore powerful by this relation, I'm still a secretary. So basically my job is to make HIS job easier. I'm also doing a lot of supportive work with the human resources department.

The high level of stress is taxing my mental health. It's tough to fall asleep at night and I occasionally am afflicted with a throbbing stress headache. This makes me reluctant to even apply for the permanent position. The pay may be nice but at what cost? At what cost? (I forget what movie I'm referencing here, but I know you'll forgive me.)

Furthermore, I'm balking a bit on graduate school. I just don't know if I'll be able to stomach the academic culture so soon after finishing undergraduate work. I've been told not to confuse the people (students) with the actual area of study (public administration), but really, the people kind of make or break it for me. I squirm at the idea of spending the next two years of my life surrounded by passionate and well-intentioned, but entirely stuffy and self-important people. I just don't know if I can do it.

I know that being in the ivory tower of academia would be temporary, but it's absolutely maddening to be so removed from real-world problem-solving and I just finished putting up with four years of this nonsense.

Ugh, so tired of thinking about thinking. Meta overload.

I'm just going to scrawl out some fanfiction in a little corner and hide forever.



  1. shhhhh, shhaaaa
    only dreams now

    do you even enjoy your job at all? is it preferable to being unemployed? i am a jackass for saying this, but make one of those stupid but useful lists where you're like PROS CONS BLAHBLAH, and just, idk, think on it. i think it sounds like you're stressing brain matter out your earballs, haha.

    LOL GRAD SCHOOL. did you already apply and whatnot? i have no idea what the program is even like. are they going to throw you into a pit of social theory that you escape from by using the sheer mass of your essays as stairs? or do you get to do interesting shite?

    1. Hahaha, Rachel, I love how we soothe each other in our blog comments to each other. We're cute.

      It's difficult to say whether I enjoy my job or not. There are good days and bad days, things that I like about the job and things I don't. Maybe I should just get down to business and make a list.

      And ugh, graduate school. I've already been warned by a pretty recent graduate that all the students there are "type-A" and I've seen the end result at work (lots of ppl on my floor have done the Evans School). It's just a crapload of super wound-up people. That's just the reality of it. I wonder if we're all together we'll just feed off each other in a vortex of toxic energy until we fall down, exhausted.

      The good thing about the program is that it ACTUALLY PROVIDES QUANTITATIVE SKILLS. It's different from the School of Social Work in that respect, so it does not require all this self-reflection sturff. The admissions counselor admitted up-front that professors are straight-up "pragmatists," so there isn't that risk of getting lost in theory cloudland etherville. :)

      Anyway, the grad school app. is due next week; won't hear back 'til spring.