Friday, January 14, 2011


Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid.
Isaiah 12:2

It's kind of remarkable looking at my journal entries from only a couple of weeks ago and seeing how much my prayers have changed since then. Last quarter in the School of Social Work left me burnt out, bitter and cynical. It was hard for me to believe in God.

And then this past week it took something drastic to shake me out of my bitterness. As I sat in my room, reading this email about my Grandpa having to go to the emergency room at 1am, feeling myself about to cry uncontrollably, something within me broke. Well, broke open.

I still have questions for God. I don't understand why there's so much darkness and injustice in the world. But I think this week I realized how little control I have over the lives of others (protecting them, keeping them from harm) as well as over my own life. It was really sobering. Despite all we can do to "prepare for the worst" or to prevent anything bad happening in our lives and the lives of those we love, it's impossible.

Initially I was distraught about being "at the mercy of God" in this sense.. and to see my Grandpa at His mercy as well. It's frightening. And although I'm scared I am praying for the ability to trust and surrender. And as I am laying myself at the mercy of God I feel the bitterness and cynicism dissolving.

Curious, is it not?


  1. April, thank you for inviting me to your blogger. I so appreciate what you just shared in this one. You are a blessing to Grandpa and he loves you so much (so do I)! Your words speak truth and love. See ya soon.

  2. april, i feel super honored to be a part of your life...thank you so much for letting me in. i love what you shared...brokenness is never easy, but if we draw close to jesus in our brokenness i believe it's a beautiful thing.

    i love you so much. i'm so grateful you can be in seattle and close to grandpa and grandma. it gives me comfort that you're there!

  3. Thanks for letting me in on this too. Your post was insightful. I think your process of opening up to God makes sense. For me, when I'm feeling self-sufficient is when I'm the most distant from God. We do have a tendency to cry out to Him in our need, don't we?

  4. April,

    Thanks for inviting me to your blog. You and Grandpa have a special relationship that is a true blessing from God. In these times that we feel so helpless, God is the one we need most in our lives. He comforts us through prayer. He takes away the darkness little by little. We need only to trust Him and have faith in him and we will receive all his blessings.