Free to Be

Yesterday I received in the mail a bottle of "Riots Not Diets" 3-free indie nail polish from Plump Polish, a brand recently launched by fat activist bloggers Kyla and Margitte. Each of their fun and quirky colors are named after a different blogger ("Riots Not Diets" is the name of Margitte's blog) and include colorful confetti! I was surprised how excited I was to receive and try out new nail polish. Like, I was really delighted. Why do I find so much pleasure and solace and satisfaction in painting my nails? I don't really know. It's therapeutic to me, and that's all that matters.

So what if nail polish is a conformist way of performing my gender? So what if its unnatural-looking and artificial? It's one hour a week where I'm doing something utterly and completely mindless, where I don't have to analyze things or be intelligent and articulate and self-aware.

Last Saturday I attended a six-hour long retreat meant for a time of silence and listening to God. I fell asleep three times. It's so hard to transition from "work" April into praying April. I still feel like I need to be super competent, "on top of things," focused and "in the zone" when I'm with God. I feel like I need to be thankful for all of the right things, and praise him instead of being self-involved, and have all these deep questions for him, and know exactly how to express my needs and desires to him, and pay attention without my mind veering.

And yet the phrase from the Bible readings that stuck out to me most at the retreat was "just be there" (from Eugene Peterson's paraphrase of Matthew 6:6-7 in The Message).

Hm.

I've been considering to myself lately, "Who do I feel safe with?" Who do I feel safe enough with that my "just being there" is enough--I don't have to "perform to the best of my abilities"? In those safe relationships, I can exhale mentally because there is no performance compenent to our relationship. I'm not expected to be my "best self." I'm just expected to be myself.

Whew, I cannot wait to spend time with Rachel tonight so that I can just be me. ilu, Rachel. Happy Friday, everyone!

My 2013 Birthday Wishlist

Let me treat you to a selfish, self-indulgent, consumerist list of presents I want people to buy me. Yay!!!

1. Quiet, the Power of Introverts in a World that Won't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
   At least one-third of the people we know are introverts. They are the ones who prefer listening to speaking, reading to partying; who innovate and create but dislike self-promotion; who favor working on their own over brainstorming in teams. Although they are often labeled "quiet," it is to introverts that we owe many of the great contributions to society--from van Gogh’s sunflowers to the invention of the personal computer.
   
   I've wanted to read this book since skimming the NPR interview with Susan Cain. I already know that I'm going to like it. It's just a matter of getting my hands on a copy!! I have it on hold from the library, but I'm 72nd in line for a total of 22 copies (i.e. it's going to take a long-ass time!).
2. butter LONDON 3 Free Starter Pack with Queen Vic nail lacquer
   
   This was a tough call because Polish & Co. was my second choice--but they didn't have the color I was looking for. It's an ethical dilemma because butter LONDON is Seattle-based (and thus has the "buy local" appeal) yet Polish & Co. is a black-owned business (and thus has POC economic solidarity appeal). They're both three-free (non-toxic), so like I said, it all came down to color options. I've been looking for a purple-y berry color for awhile (as well as deep burgundy and a classy glittery red, but this is besides the point), and Queen Vic fits the bill! I've been very pleased with the butter LONDON 3-free polish that Rachel got me for Christmas--in fact, I'm wearing it right now!--and am satisfied overall with the brand (despite their disingenuousness about being called "butter LONDON" but being based out of Seattle, WA, USA). Although it's pricey stuff, it's good quality and at least minimally carcinogenic? :) The nice thing about the three-pack is that you can specify any color you want for the nail lacquer. Sweet!

3. Ann Taylor Loft Box Pleat 3/4 Sleeve Blouse, size M and Marisa Trouser Leg Pant in Coastal Gray, size 8
   
   I do my best not to purchase clothing very often, for the sake of minimizing my participation in a global economic system that is ultimately predatory, oppressive towards developing countries and also determinedly entrenched. That being said, I would like to have some more options for work clothes, as I have been cycling through multiple combinations of the same five sweaters, three skirts, two dress pants and three dresses since October of 2012. A new blouse would be nice.
   

Also, the clasp (the last of two) of my trusty dress pants finally quit on me a couple of weeks ago, so I'm down to two pairs of dress pants. Whoops. I've tried finding a new pair at department stores, but they all seem to be cheaply made and really don't fit well. These Ann Taylor Loft pants would hopefully last longer than my current $10 clearance dress pants (again, the clasp is broken, but I wear them anyway). I'd enjoy a comparable pair from the Gap, even, since Rachel told me their labor ethics have improved after some vociferent consumer lobbying (power to the people!). Luxury items are indeed luxury items, but at least they're (hopefully) durable. And knowing me, I will wear the same clothes for up to ten years if needed!

It goes without saying that I'd be happy to receive any kind of bagged, full-leaf, fair trade organic tea; any book that has a strong female lead (woc author/protagonist a definite plus); any Christian theology and/or Biblical commentary (e.g. Old Testament Anchor series) book; or any type of fair trade, organic milk chocolate.

Go forth, my friends, and buy me things.

Love,

April

"We're all just hanging by a thread."

All-righty. It's time for some mo' big-picture wordthoughtvomit from yours tru. Topic: chronic conditions.

So. Chronic illness. Diabetes, SAD, gout, EDNOS, chemical dependency, chronic pain, insomnia, generalized anxiety, bipolar II, arthritis, scoliosis, hypertension... Chronic illness touches us all, even the seemingly able-bodied and youthful--even *gasp* MYSELF. So if we're all shouldering this universal burden in one way or another, how do we all manage to "make it work" rather than slump over, defeated?

I've been dealing with shoulder/arm pain for over a year now due to an injury from a Bally Total Fitness hip-hop class (I already know how absurd this is; you don't have to point it out to me). I've done physical therapy, massage therapy and just bought a spinal traction device off of eBay. At a certain point I realized, "I might just have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Sh1t! FML! #ugh"

At the same time, I'm coming to grips with facing my mental health baggage--my tendency toward anxiety and depression. I've accepted that this is how I am. This is me. I'm high-strung. I'm dramatic. At any time I can spiral down to the depths of fear-induced irrationality. Aight. So be it.

The tough thing about chronic illness is that you have no control over it. All you can do is resolve to address it, rather than live in denial and face even worse aggravated consequences down the road (e.g. When Tracy Morgan disregarded his diabetes and nearly lost his sight).

It would easy to be consumed with thoughts of "Why me?" or "Woe is me" or "I hate myself for being the way that I am." Right? To be the victim of your own illness?

Living with a chronic condition is tiring because it requires constant upkeep and maintenance. E.g. to avoid depression I need to eat well, exercise aerobically on a regular basis, take twice-daily Vitamin D supplements, journal, pray, make sure to socialize--there's no break! Tending to chronic illness requires me to constantly being on my A-game because a slip-up means that my illness will take the reins and I'll be in bad shape. And it'll be my fault. Ack, I have to do what for the rest of my life? There's no chance of waking up and magically being absolved of anxiety. It just doesn't work that way.

So I guess what I wanted to do with this post was encourage folks that may be tired of having to deal with their ___[insert disability/"condition"]__. I feel you. It sucks. It's exhausting work.Our bodies and minds betray us at the most inopportune moments.

Just do one thing for me, though, will you? Be really, really, really patient with yourself. Please.

Be as compassionate with yourself as you would with a close family member living with a chronic condition. If you slip-up on your low-glycemic diet or have anorexic thoughts or skip your PT exercises for a day or find yourself despite EVERYTHING still feeling sad and anxious and unable to sleep--just...don't be too hard on yourself, okay? I write this just as much as a reminder to myself as I do to it to you. Just everyone go love themselves. K?

*hugs*

"Maladaptive" Coping Mechanisms

What exactly constitutes a "maladaptive" coping behavior?

I've been mulling over this question a lot lately. With little to no structure to my life as of late, I've been very cognizant of how I spend my free time. It's gotten me to think about how a lot of what I do with my free time is a way to "deal" or cope with life.

The world is harsh. It's brutal. I mean, duh. We live in ambiguity because life is a mix of seemingly senseless and overwhelming tragedy as well as larger than life happiness that we share with others. How does one manage to stay away from becoming a "Pollyanna" (denying anything "wrong" with the world) on one hand, while at the same time not become an Eeyore (everything is bad, so why ever expect it to be good? P.S. I suck). So anyway, people have various ways of "dealing"/staying sane. 

The traditional conception of "acceptable" ways to deal are usually graphically represented in a multi-colored triangle or Venn diagram. Maintaining your sanity is "simply" a manner of attending to all of the different dimensions of yourself: your emotional self, your spiritual self, your physical self, your social self, your psychological self--and on and on and on. 

I decided that after graduation, as a way to practice "self-care," that I was going to try and avoid exposing myself to so much trauma through one-on-one work with trauma survivors, etc. However, it seems that trauma/suffering is just, like, EVERYWHERE (our neighbors six houses down the street just got robbed in broad daylight for crying out loud). I've learned that running away from human suffering just isn't the answer. YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

So anyway, here are some of the ways that I try and "deal" with the tragedy of human existence:

1. SITCOM MEDIA/EASY ANSWERS LANE/HAPPY ENDINGS HAPPYCLOUDLAND: Any movie, TV show or book with an oversimplified, overwrought, contrived plot with a happy ending--I'm sold. Why settle for the unpredictability and messiness of real life when you can enjoy a formula of (1) trivial "conflict" that ends in a (2) "life lesson" all for the price of 25 minutes! My favorite sitcoms lately have been Community and Parks and Recreation. Movie of choice? I Hate Luv Storys. Who wouldn't love a goofy opposites-attract movie where poor people don't exist and everyone is young and beautiful?
2. SUBSTANCE USE: Okay, so far I haven't acted on my inclinations, but  the world is just so sad and messed up that I get these sudden urges to binge-drink alcohol. I now begin to understand why chemical dependency is so prevalent in society. Life is so intense sometimes that NOT feeling anymore sounds veeerrrrry appealing. I'll take anything to not feel overwhelmed anymore. Tell me if I'm wrong.
3. FOOD: I have literally caught myself having feelings of anxiety, going to the kitchen and eating a cookie/muffin and then experiencing the anxiety dissipate, if but for a short period of time. Food comforts me, so binge eating is a way to try and maximize that comforting feeling...that is, until I'm bloated and disgusted with myself. Lawl.
4. VOYEURISM/WASTING AWAY ON THE INTERNET: Life is much simpler if you leave it to actors and celebrities to live it for you. HAH! Rather than actually talk with my family, we'll watch a movie about a fictional family and call it a day. I hate when people say "It's so ironic," BUT IN THIS CASE IT IS! #meta Also, I'm sometimes given to uncontrollable bouts of surfing Wikipedia, reading the most random personal details about actors, actresses and musicians. Then I walk away from the computer three hours later in a daze, feeling ashamed like I've just eaten five bags of Doritos. 
5. TRANSCENDENT SPIRITUAL TRUTHS/PRAYER: It's a lot easier to "deal" when I can rely on the fact that although people are LITERALLY getting away with MURDER every single day, that ultimately there will be a "final judgment" where Jesus will cast those no good S.o.B.'s that prey on vulnerable women and children into the FIRES OF HELL. Muahahahahahaha! "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:19). There's also this idea of "Well, God knows what he's doing" sooo...Why blame him for everything? Blahblahblah, free will vs. grace/Why do bad things happen to good people/I AM STILL GRAPPLING WITH THIS O.K., PPL?!

Okay, so obviously, this list is not exhaustive. However, it really makes me wonder, what sorts of coping behaviors are "acceptable"/"permissible" and which are considered "maladaptive?" The trendy phrase these days seems to be "Everything in moderation." Add that to a layer of post-modernist relativism and you get the conclusion that each person alone knows which coping behaviors are maladaptive for them and at what magnitude they become maladaptive. 

HAHAHA, wow, so basically we've learned nothing.

But back to talking about me (I love the self-indulgent nature of blogs!). I definitely am aware of my actions. I have an intuitive sense of when I've "gone too far" and am using a specific coping behavior as a means to escape/avoid my current feelings or the "reality of the world" or whatever. But now I'm thinking, is it even desirable to be always "on," to be always "present" and feeling 100% and aware and sensitive and self-reflective? I mean, that just sounds tiring to me.

This past year one thing I've committed to is the notion of "Be gentle on yourself." You know, don't expect so much from yourself.. don't be super hard on yourself. .don't exigir a level of productivity that's simply beyond your own capacity..

My tentative conclusion on the matter is this: I will allow myself to escape every once in awhile through  TV, through food, through humor.. but ultimately these moments of escapism are a temporary diversion from grappling with and struggling with and seeking to understand the greater matters of life. All of these nagging questions, they're going to haunt me relentlessly until I air them, talk about them with trusted family and friends, pray about them, gain more experience with them--and I really am a firm believer in this process...the stages of conflict, disbelief, struggle, confusion, despair...because I believe that ultimately I will arrive somewhere. My understanding may not be complete, but it will be deeper. I'll be able to handle the complexity and subtlety with a defter hand. 

The product of SEEKING THE TRUTH is gaining the tools to navigate the very ambiguity you try to avoid.

¿Me explico?

SAYONARA, UW SCHOOL OF SOCIAL WORK

Here's my final personal statement I'm submitting with a culminating binder portfolio. Yes, I'm actually submitting this.

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            When I began the BASW program at the University of Washington I was generally an optimistic, idealistic and naïve person. Now? Well, at least I’m still idealistic. Sort of. Being in the undergraduate program has been like opening up the stomach cavity of humanity and being forced to see and smell the pulsating entrails normally covered by flesh and skin. I’ve come to understand at a very deep level the mechanisms of oppression, the context of history with social problems and the seemingly insurmountable odds we find ourselves up against as social change “agents.” While the world may seem bleak at times, I’ve learned that because of my existence as a social worker, it is now and always will be marginally less so. Slow clap.

            As a result of being in this program, I’ve had to adapt and survive through self-care. In the morning I would learn about how black people were lynched and used as sex slaves. Then, I’d go to coffee with my classmates and try not to cut myself.

            The School of Social Work encourages students to think critically and independently. Well, in this school, I sure have learned how to do just that. While the school may imply that social workers are responsible for the fate of all oppressed populations everywhere, and that if we don’t do something, then no one will, I know in my heart that this is simply not true. I refuse to live in agony and misery, wallowing in privileged guilt and an unhealthily metastasized savior-complex. While I am aware of the plight of vulnerable populations, I as one individual, can only do so much. I will do what I can to address poverty, violence and suffering in the world, but once I’ve put in my eight hours for the day, I will surrender myself to a coping mechanism entitled fatalism.

            When I leave this place, the School of Social Work, I will forever have on my goggles of “awareness.” Trust me, even when I try to enjoy something as mindless and popularly entertaining as The Hunger Games, for example, I will end up writing a five-page analysis of its major themes with respect to power and oppression[1]. I will carry with me ecological-systems theory, empowerment theory, the ethnic identity development model, cultural responsiveness (the dialogic model, of course) and the strengths perspective. These theories have affected the way I interact with people, whether in my professional or personal life; I have internalized them that much.

            In terms of “staying current” with social welfare, I’ll always feed my insatiable compulsion to “be in touch” with the reality of the underclass, whether it be through the NPR public health blog (Shots), The Seattle Times, National Geographic, literary fiction or memoirs of people who have survived horrific circumstances (e.g. Strength in What Remains, Desert Flower, Persepolis). It is my duty as a professional social worker to stay informed, and informed I will stay!

            My strengths as a social worker are my ability to articulate forms of oppression, my critical thinking, my self-reflection and my ability to establish rapport with clients through genuine warmth and caring. Areas for growth would be maintaining professional boundaries with clients, political advocacy and research-informed practice.

            It has certainly been an interesting ride, this BASW experience. I’ve had my hopes crushed into a finely ground powder, then snorted through someone’s nose. I’ve learned to be much more realistic, to reject martyrdom and to enjoy life for what it offers. As a social worker, I may not be able to fundamentally change the structure of society to uplift the downtrodden and usher them into an age of triumph, true brotherhood and utopian parity. However, I’ll do my small part, quietly, without heraldry or accolades, humming a pop ballad from the 1990s.

“Two roads diverged in a wood and I—I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

-Robert Frost

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[1] Attached.

Asking for Help

So this past couple of weeks has been pretty challenging on the caregiver front with my grandparents. Had a pretty bad scare last week when my grandma fell--just THUD! SPLAT!--in the kitchen. I mean, at one point I was about to laugh out loud at how absurd and crazy it was. I had to drag her along the ground, on her back, through the kitchen into the living room so that my grandpa and I could lift her up to a sitting position on the couch. I mean, it's that bad. She's so frail that she can't lift herself up from lying down to sitting up. She couldn't even use her legs to scoot. I mean, imagine an upturned beetle on its back, skinny legs flailing about to no avail. Her appendages have gotten that spindly, I swear.

In the aftermath I was anxious and panicked and generally having thoughts of "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" However, in my long journey as caregiver I have found that in these moments of utter helplessness/feelings of futility it's simplest and best to ask for help. One of the singular and most unhealthy beliefs for caregivers is the "I can make it on my own" mentality--like suffering in silence is noble or something.

If we all just had an adequate dose of humility, we'd all realize that we are no one's savoir and that the only way that we can ever take care of someone is with the help of others! There would be SO MANY less burnt-out, unhappy, emotionally-martyred people in the world. My theory is that each caregiver in the world must stand upon the shoulders of at least seven close friends and supporters that will cheer them on, pick them up when they're down and share the burden. We all need a "team" to hold us up when we're too crumpled to stand on our own.

I'm very thankful for my friends and family that have helped me through the ups and downs of living with my grandparents. This is dedicated to you!

My Top Books of 2011

1. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie
I have been recommending this book to any and everyone possible (Sorry to y'all whom I've been pestering, but seriously, you should check it out!). Absolutely True Diary changed my life. This coming of age first-person narrative of Arnold, a Native American teen, honestly depicts the harshness of reservation life and the pressure to fit in & become "successful" in mainstream white society. It is at times heartbreaking but above all heartFELT and honest. Alexie succeeds in articulating the Native American experience with depth, clarity and a sense of humor. He "gets it." I identified immensely with the protagonist, Arnold, God bless him. Reading this book made me proud to be a person of color and it made me feel so much less alone!! Ugh, this book is just amazing. HEART.

2. Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky
This year I experienced the deepest sense of burnout ever in my life. Social work/justice/ethical living completely overwhelmed me and I was extremely unhappy. Volunteering, being a vegetarian, taking public transit, buying fair trade and doing independent research of domestic & international social problems became a burden of responsibility driven by privileged guilt and most importantly, a sense of duty. It took an especially dramatic panic attack during winter quarter for me to finally snap out of it and realize, "Okay, this isn't working." This past summer I took the first actual vacation from volunteerism in years, read this book and FINALLY started to understand what "self-care" looks like. Lipsky stresses the importance of being gentle on yourself and intentionally seeking out ways to nourish body, mind and soul. I feel so much better nowadays, and don't live with the nagging guilt that I don't "deserve" a break (e.g. an afternoon at the spa, a special drink from a cafe, an expensive @$$ fair-trade candle from Honduras). I'm hanging up my savior-complex role and accepting with utmost relief that there are many, many other people striving for just causes & advocating for the most oppressed, traumatized people in this world. It's not all on my shoulders and I don't have to be "working" 24/7. In fact, through this book I learned that it's essential to limit my involvement in social welfare in order to preserve my sanity for the long haul. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Whew. Thank you, Laura van Dernoot Lipsky! I recommend this book to ALL social workers, nurses, MHPs, activists and "overactive-empathizers," as I like to call them (I am one!!!).

3. An Atlas of Impossible Longing by Anuradha Roy 
I am a sucker for authors with uber-precise, jealousy-inducing prose. Anuradha Roy kills! Her attention to detail, her jarringly realistic, tragic protagonists--incredible! I mean, sure, it's an epic "love story," but Roy manages to effortlessly bypass common cliches and make everything fresh. It follows three generations of the same family, much like Steinbeck's East of Eden, but thankfully, the novel is much less dark and creepy, if you know what I mean. The story just pulls you in. She gets to the heart of what it means to be human: insecurity, ambition, greed, pride. This book is a joy to read.