"We're all just hanging by a thread."

All-righty. It's time for some mo' big-picture wordthoughtvomit from yours tru. Topic: chronic conditions.

So. Chronic illness. Diabetes, SAD, gout, EDNOS, chemical dependency, chronic pain, insomnia, generalized anxiety, bipolar II, arthritis, scoliosis, hypertension... Chronic illness touches us all, even the seemingly able-bodied and youthful--even *gasp* MYSELF. So if we're all shouldering this universal burden in one way or another, how do we all manage to "make it work" rather than slump over, defeated?

I've been dealing with shoulder/arm pain for over a year now due to an injury from a Bally Total Fitness hip-hop class (I already know how absurd this is; you don't have to point it out to me). I've done physical therapy, massage therapy and just bought a spinal traction device off of eBay. At a certain point I realized, "I might just have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Sh1t! FML! #ugh"

At the same time, I'm coming to grips with facing my mental health baggage--my tendency toward anxiety and depression. I've accepted that this is how I am. This is me. I'm high-strung. I'm dramatic. At any time I can spiral down to the depths of fear-induced irrationality. Aight. So be it.

The tough thing about chronic illness is that you have no control over it. All you can do is resolve to address it, rather than live in denial and face even worse aggravated consequences down the road (e.g. When Tracy Morgan disregarded his diabetes and nearly lost his sight).

It would easy to be consumed with thoughts of "Why me?" or "Woe is me" or "I hate myself for being the way that I am." Right? To be the victim of your own illness?

Living with a chronic condition is tiring because it requires constant upkeep and maintenance. E.g. to avoid depression I need to eat well, exercise aerobically on a regular basis, take twice-daily Vitamin D supplements, journal, pray, make sure to socialize--there's no break! Tending to chronic illness requires me to constantly being on my A-game because a slip-up means that my illness will take the reins and I'll be in bad shape. And it'll be my fault. Ack, I have to do what for the rest of my life? There's no chance of waking up and magically being absolved of anxiety. It just doesn't work that way.

So I guess what I wanted to do with this post was encourage folks that may be tired of having to deal with their ___[insert disability/"condition"]__. I feel you. It sucks. It's exhausting work.Our bodies and minds betray us at the most inopportune moments.

Just do one thing for me, though, will you? Be really, really, really patient with yourself. Please.

Be as compassionate with yourself as you would with a close family member living with a chronic condition. If you slip-up on your low-glycemic diet or have anorexic thoughts or skip your PT exercises for a day or find yourself despite EVERYTHING still feeling sad and anxious and unable to sleep--just...don't be too hard on yourself, okay? I write this just as much as a reminder to myself as I do to it to you. Just everyone go love themselves. K?

*hugs*

Post-GRE Catharsis Post

AHHHH words cannot express how elated I am to be done with the GRE! I prepped for three weeks off & on, did four practice tests and have been waking up at 6:30ish for the past seven days (ugh, it was TORTURE) cuz I had to get to the testing center by 7:30AM today.

It's always crazy scary to embark on high-stakes endeavors, like when I decided to go live in Mexico for ten weeks. So trying to get into graduate school it's like WAAAAHHHH, please let me not mess this up. There's a lot riding on this. And it's tough to be honest with myself but really really I am so excited at the possibility of being in UW's MPA program, but I'm trying to temper my excitement just in case I don't get in this time 'round. They only admit 220 students a year!

But ya know what? I'm not eaten up with anxiety or fear of being rejected. I figure that if I'm not ready for the program, then I'm not ready. I'll redirect--keep looking for a job and do all of this soul-searching/discerning all over again. As much as it seems that peeps may lock into a profession and ride it out until retirement, I'm kind of excited that my generation basically hops onto whatever--I mean, seriously, opportunist much? ;) I'd like to think of it as a form of flexibility and spontaneity and adaptability.

Anyway, I had a point that I was going to get to. These high-stakes moments where I'm doing something kinda crazy and out of my control are the moments where I'm just smacked in the face with the reality of how loved and supported and blessed I am. I'm so thankful to have a big huge TEAM of people that pray for me and text me to ask me how things went. Like, it does loads for my peace of mind and self-confidence and makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside! I mean, here are some examples:

• My aunt and uncle lent me their laptop for a week so that I could do practice tests (mine was incompatible)
• My parents paid for the cost of taking the GRE and emphasized that they believed in me, and not to put so much pressure on myself because it cost so much
• My grandma kept asking me every Tuesday how it went, until the actually Tuesday of the test when she called me and told me to watch "Modern Family" to relax afterwards
• My peers (Lydia, Faith, Hillary, Rachel) and my family (my aunts and uncles, cousins, parents, grandparents) were all praying for me, even though I know their schedules are already packed 
• My parents took me out to dinner at the RAM to celebrate

All I can really do in response is say THANK YOU, LORD, THANK YOU, GOD, THANK YOU, LORD. Everything went well this morning. I was able to roll out of bed with plenty of time, enough to enjoy a nutritious fiber-filled breakfast (oatmeal) and prepare my thermos of chai. Traffic was virtually non-existent and I arrived with 20 minutes to spare. During the actual test I didn't get frazzled, even though some of the questions definitely stymied me. And the cherry on top: My multiple-choice scores were higher than I got on any of the four practice tests. Ugh, so much #winning, I don't know what to do with myself. I AM NOT USED TO SO MUCH SUCCESS WITHOUT AN EQUALLY PROPORTIONATE AMOUNT OF STRUGGLE.

All I can say is that this has to be by the grace of God alone. Admittedly there have been plenty of moments in the past months full of flailing and anguish and discouragement. But this one good day--wow, I'm going to hang onto it. I'm just so happy that no matter what I can just enjoy life because I'm supported unconditionally and my life is in the hands of a God that is ordering my life "just so."

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift my soul. Teach me to do your will, for you are God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

Psalm 143

I'd like to make a dedication to all the single ladies..

Do you know what really sucks? The constant pressure to be in a relationship. If you're a woman over the age of 22 and haven't got a fella on the brink of proposal, it's like there's something wrong with you. Okay, first of all, WHAT THE HELL. At social gatherings I feel my stomach knot up because I know that my aunt whom I haven't seen in four years--the one that's walking right toward me--is going to ask, "Is there anyone special in your life?"

I rue the day that all of humanity decided to reduce women to being babymakers and nothing else--like that's our only major contribution and accomplishment in all of history. There is nothing wrong with me if I don't manage to ensnare a man with my sexual wiles and then cling to him for dear life, never to let go.

Let's talk about the term "spinster." I'm sure it immediately conjures an image of a little old lady crocheting her own blankets in a decrepit old house, rocking chair and all. Again, the implicit assumption here is that if you don't get married THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. i.e. no one would deign to love you for the rest of their lives because you are that. fucked. up.

All I can say to that is "no." Okay, if you're a woman over 50 and never married, I don't want you to be moping around feeling shitty about yourself like you're "not good enough." We need to change this paradigm, and we need to change it now.

I understand that not too long ago, getting married was, like, physically necessary. Women hadn't property or income so they were totally at the mercy of men, be they fathers, husbands or sons. I get that. Praise the Lord that we're in the 21st century and a woman can be economically self-sufficient.

So now marriage is a choice for women rather than an inevitability. Great. I am all for this. So why are so many women chasing after marriage as if their lives still depended on it?

Some look to marriage as a means of salvation. "Oh, if I just got married, everything would be better." It's the draught of fairytale happy endings that keep these women in drunken, delusional bliss. Getting married solves everything. You gain a purpose (being a good wife and mother), someone who will love you forever (validation and affirmation--YAY!) and you're ready to rock this gig out until the day you die. Yep. I get it. It's a template for your life. It's a track to lose yourself in and have satisfaction and meaning.

Some think of marriage as a status/prestige thing. It's like you belong to an elite club where you have bitchin' dinner parties with other well-to-do couples and drink your fancy dessert wine beneath a crystal chandelier. Especially among twenty somethings, getting married is, like, the "thing," so you'd better not miss out because you'll get left out. Harsh but tru.

Some people want to get married because they're pretty lonely and insecure. Now, I'm not judging peeps for feeling insecure or lonely. Not at all. I get needy lots of the time! But marriage to some supposedly guarantees that you'll never feel alone again. This is somewhat problematic because in marriage you can actually become even lonelier if your spouse is neglectful, self-absorbed, absent-minded or worse--emotionally abusive. Marriage is simply NOT the cure for loneliness!

So okay, I've made a lot of generalizations and now it's time for the postmodern pluralistic stuff. Every person is a stupid, unbearably unique snowflake and in marriage it all depends on individual personalities and motivation and character. Not all women are getting married for the wrong reasons. I've actually seen a few people get married for the RIGHT reasons. And I'm really happy for them (this statement is irony free). They deserve congratulations (really). The purpose of this post was NOT to shame married people!

I suppose the purpose of these unfocused meandering paragraphs is to say to women, It's OKAY if you're single. Nothing is wrong with you; on the contrary, EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH YOU. Don't let your relationship status dictate whether you're "satisfied" with yourself or confident in yourself or if you're "worthy." There are just way too many women out there feeling bad about themselves for being single and frankly it is unacceptable.

If you're reading this, whomever you are, I just want you to know:

You're gorgeous.

You have so much going for you.

You have so much to offer the world.

Don't let shitty passive-aggressive comments about the bareness of your left ring-finger get to you. Mrs. or Mr. Right, whether they exist or not, whether or not they're "coming for you"--just...You know what? Damn them. Damn it all to hell because you are fucking amazing and you don't have time to sit around thinking about inexistent hypothetical future scenarios. You've got too much life to live.

YOU JUST DO YOU and I guarantee you that someone will be impressed.

Love you all and thanks for reading.

Ugh.

I'm bored and restless. Can my life start already?!

"Let's not be elitist, April."

Okay, so hopefully every human being in the world is on an individual path of continual growth and transformation. Soooo I'm going to share a little bit about mine. Since moving back in with my parents after graduating from college, spending so much time with them has made me privy of their flaws, just as they have become privy to mine. Today I want to talk about being elitist.

Symptoms of April's Snobbery: 

• Biting, disdainful comments about mainstream popular culture (e.g. Dancing with the Stars, Miley Cyrus/Taylor Swift, Glee)
• Passive-aggressive comments about people making uninformed consumer choices (e.g. shopping at Wal-mart, buying bananas and Proctor & Gamble products, "Oh, I only buy organic fair trade cocoa powder")
• Smugly & inwardly gloating at single-occupant motor vehicles as I bike to my alternative homeopathic massage therapy appointment 
• Using abstruse academic jargon unnecessarily (e.g. constructivist paradigm, internalized oppression, the law of diminishing returns, fundamental attribution error)
• Being impatient with friends and family that are not progressive enough (e.g. anti-racist, feminist, body-positive, anti-oppressive and intersectional-->Subtext: "Why can't you be cool like me?")
• Projecting (intentionally or not) a demeanor of judging and self-righteous superiority

Why am I like this? Okay, so now let's commence the nature vs. nurture argument. 

NATURE: I'll be honest; my personality-type tends to be rigid and preachy. This is "how I roll." Granted, I can notice when I'm getting way too ramped up and tightly-wound and try to "tone it down." However, it's an indisputable fact that whether or not I verbalize my harsh judgments of myself and others, I still have them. 

As a self-absorbed perfectionist, I demand a LOT of myself--spiritually, ethically and intellectually. It follows, then, that I'm also quite hard on others when it comes to their thoughts and behaviors. Ugh, and as an intuitive person sometimes all I can see are others' flaws and their selfish motivations. I am a critic and a "glass half-empty" sort of person. Tuff. That's how it goes.

NURTURE: The prevailing cultural hegemony of my generation is without doubt (white) hipsterism. As a middle class American woman, I am about 70% hipster, for better or for worse (mostly worse). Elitism is a cardinal tenant of hipsterism. Being cynical, sarcastic and holier-than-thou in general is what being a hipster is all about.  

Furthermore, as a graduate of an institution of exclusive and elite higher learning I am, by default, an elitist. The main assumption of elitism is that being "enlightened" with "knowledge" makes a person inherently better than a high school dropout or a boorish midwestern redneck (sorry to use this slur, but uh, you'd be lying if you don't use it in the privacy of your own home, too). 

All hail the king of elitism, Dr. Frasier Crane!

I apologize if that pop culture reference is lost on you. 

So. Conclusions? Yes, I am an elitist. I am a snob. I am a self-righteous, grudgingly hipster, unbearable judger of all things that can be judged. There's no use in denying it. 

All I can tell you is this: I'm working on it. I have good days and I have bad days. Ideally, I always want to be in the space of "I just love everyone and I want to affirm everyone and you are beautiful and weeeeeee! life is beautiful, the end." Until then, I will try my utmost to be more compassionate, gentle and understanding with myself and humanity in general. Can't make any promises. But I will try. 

My Answer to Your Question Would Be...

What do you enjoy doing? What would be your ideal job? Do you want to continue with social work?

These are the questions that haunt me. Even with all of the soul-searching and journaling and praying and counseling I really feel as clueless as ever. I seriously don't know what I enjoy doing. I used to think that it was "helping people" but that cotton candy cloud of abstract idealism revolts me now. I thought that being in the helping arena would soothe my sorrows because at least I would be contributing to the well-being of my fellow man but it's left me more discouraged and disheartened than ever. 

You know what sucks? Admitting defeat. I'm confused nowadays because I'm not sure whether I should just totally walk away from the social work thing or try and reframe my approach to it (i.e. think of myself less as a savior of the wretched masses). I know that social work seems like a good fit because I'm a compassionate person and I genuinely care. At the same time, it's this same deep compassion that makes me consumed with rage and anger when the people I care about are wronged. 

Let's explore the notion of vengeance. Think about superheroes--they protect vulnerable people from, like, aliens and shit. You know, big whoop. Then they have a big showdown with some nefarious criminal mastermind and duke it out until the bad guy just happens to fall off a cliff/get run over by a train/destroyed by his own weapons/take your pick. Endings to stories like these are satisfying because the cause of evil (bad guy) has been removed--may the world rejoice and good riddance!

Well, this leads me to talk about how deeply unsatisfying it is to be in social work. First of all, I don't get to carry out revenge. So, right off the bat I have to accept that I will never get to indulge my vigilantist compulsions. It's not plausible nor ethical to do so, according to my beliefs. "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:9). So basically, I have to wait until "closing time" (i.e. the final judgment of the world) for perpetrators to get what they deserve. In the meantime, the world is not going to be "made right" from the "top down"--you can't force people to be decent to each other, that's just another form of tyranny and oppression. And you can't "make it right" by just killing all of the evil people, either. Oh, ho ho. All this to say that this whole life, this whole world is going to be a mixed bag of good and evil until the day we die. See The Parable of the Weeds.

Another thing that's frustrating about social work is that you're always fighting on (what seems to be) the losing side. Right? I mean, life has not been kind to this unemployed, Latino, gay, HIV-positive, chemically dependent, clinically depressed man with a history of sexual abuse (this is literally a case I saw in a community mental health clinic). Wow, like, I want to stand in solidarity with these beaten-down underdog people but seriously, they are always #losing. For these peeps, small victories mean getting a freaking week's worth of diapers or some milk through WIC. Sometimes I just think "damn." There are so many barriers and so many things going against them. It's like, man, there's no way in hell that this is going to turn around. And yet these are the "cases" a person in social work sees day after day after day. I mean, this is plenty enough to drive anyone crazy. 

So what would it take to get me back into social work? It's been a couple of years since I've had an actually positive experience (Hogar de los Angeles in Mexico). To be perfectly honest, you'd have to drag me kicking and screaming back into the arena...

into the realm of the silent victims.

I got that phrase a couple of months ago and was like, "Oooh, that just gives me shivers." 

Not gonna lie, it is fking DARK working with the oppressed. Like, I have witnessed some serious evil. Like a ball of dread and overwhelm and hopelessness. Like, OMG this is going to swallow me whole if I don't get my shit together.

The answer, then? I will take the plunge back into social work IF AND ONLY IF it's Jesus Christ himself that invites me, and even then I'd seriously have fears, doubts and reservations. So ya, that's where I'm at.

I'm dying, you're dying; we're all dying.

Time to write down more things that I'm pondering. The topic of choice has lately been death and dying (don't worry, I'm going to do the best that I can to end this on a hopeful note). With my grandparents' declining health, death has been in the back of my mind for over a year now, but recently it's back to #1 on the MindCharts. My grandpa's brother Marsh died last month and our family attended his funeral on Berkeley, California on August 11th. They showed a clip of him singing in his church choir and everyone just burst out crying. O, WERE THAT MY HEAD WERE A FOUNT OF TEARS.

Me & Uncle Marsh

You know how in lots of movies, characters out of the blue start acting like their best selves right before they die? I mean, think of the grandpa in Little Miss Sunshine or Boromir in The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. I definitely had a moment like that the last time I saw Uncle Marsh. It was in February at my cousin Justine's wedding. If I could sum up Uncle Marsh is one word it would be verve. At Justine and Sam's reception he twirled me around on the dance floor old skool swing-style, even though they were blasting the mindless techno-pop of the masses. Although I have no formal training and looked awkward & stilted compared to Uncle Marsh's precise steps, I felt so happy and unself-conscious stomping away with him--not a care in the world. That's my last living memory I have of him. Fit for a movie.

Until Uncle Marsh had grandchildren (in 2003), I always believed myself to be his favorite. He often came on vacations with our family (as in Grandpa & Grandma, their progeny and the progeny of their progeny), even if they were in Washington. One time when we were playing around in the river near our cabin in Crystal Mountain, he specially removed the bark from a two-foot long tree branch and shined it up with the natural oils from his hands. Okay, this sounds totally random and odd, but I seriously treasured that stick. I'm sad that I lost it.

Holding that precious stick!

I was thinking yesterday in church about how God can basically take away anything or anyone from us, whenever he wants. Dude, the Buddhists were onto something with the whole "impermanence" thing. And accepting this truth is what makes anything valuable at all. I value my relationship with my Grandpa because I know that at any moment I can lose him to death.

By talking about this I am in no way suggesting that everyone take self-protective measures and never become attached to anyone ever because they're all just going to die anyway. Ugh, GET BEHIND ME, NIHILISM! Nah, that's a miserable way to live life.

I would like to suggest an alternative. I would argue that it's possible to simultaneously (1) hold in mind the reality and inevitability of death while (2) maintaining joy and appreciation for life. Actually, think of (1) and (2) having a directly proportional relationship--the more we (1) stay "grounded" and mindful of our powerlessness against the forces of death, we (2) treasure the what few moments we have left in this thing called "life" all the more. (+/+)

Okay, obviously these thoughts are nothing new, but they're good to revisit now and then when I feel on the brink of despair. Death, decay, decomposition--they're unstoppable. Duh. It's weird but sometimes people seem to die in droves, and when that happens, it's tough to keep ya' head up. It's so easy to fall into the "Y EVERY1 DYING MY LYFE IS MEANINGLESS" but I try and rally and tell myself to FIGHT to just appreciate life and its treasures, even when I feel like those very things are being ripped from me. Ugh, sorry, this is just totally abstract, but I'm making peace with myself--this is just how I roll so deal with it. I would like to end with an overused yet apropos quote.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

-Gabriel Garcia Marquez or Dr. Seuss, take your pick (source disputed)

Grilled Honey-Mustard Chicken with Arugula and Plum Salad

Fresh and perfect for summer! I was really pleasantly surprised with this recipe. To make it I used a square grill pan (11"x11"), a wonderful gift from my cousin for graduation. Thanks to the pan, the skin of the chicken was delicious and crispy and the dark meat of the chicken preserved moisture and flavor.

Grilled Honey-Mustard Chicken with Arugula and Plum Salad

-3 Tbsp honey (I used Safeway's organic stuff imported from Brazil *eyeroll*)
-2 Tbsp Dijon mustard (used Beaver Brand Sweet Hot Mustard)
-1 Tbsp chopped fresh thyme (Safeway organic again)
-4 Tbsp olive oil, divided
-8 bone-in, skin-in chicken thighs (got a 12-pack and froze the remainders)
-Kosher salt and black pepper
-2 Tbsp red wine vinegar
-2 bunches arugula (I just bought Safeway's washed & ready stuff)
-2 plums, pitted and thinly sliced (one plum was enough for three people)

1. In a small bowl, whisk together the honey, mustard, thyme and 1 Tbsp of the oil
2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Heat grill pan to medium high heat. Season the chicken with salt and pepper. 
3. Sear the chicken thighs in the pan ~7 minutes per side (skin should be properly browned). Place pan into the oven and bake for ~20 minutes, flipping the chicken midway through.
4. Bake the chicken five minutes more after brushing the honey mixture onto the skin. 
5. Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, whisk together the vinegar, the remaining 3 Tbsp of oil and 1/4 t each of salt and pepper. Toss with the arugula and arrange with plums on top. Serve with chicken.

 Recipe from Real Simple Magazine, July 2012 issue.

An Exercise in Futility

-Peace Corps
-The Body Shop
-Gilda's Club
-Rainier Avenue Church
-Federal Way Community Center
-Office Depot
-Tierra Vida, Broetje Farms
-Youth Eastside Services

Currently 0 for 8.

Ugh.

Three Celebrities I Wholeheartedly Endorse

All right, peeps! While I usually express somewhat of an elitist disdain for celebrity culture and celebrity worship, the following three mainstream celebs have without a doubt garnered my full support! 

Number One: Mindy Kaling

Most famous for portraying Kelly Kapoor in NBC's The Office, also a writer, producer and director

Other credits: Recently published a memoir Is Everyone Hanging Out with Me? (And Other Concerns) and will be starring in her own sitcom called The Mindy Project starting on the fall.

Basic info: 33 years old, South Asian American, graduate of Dartmouth

Why I respect her: First of all, Mindy is, like, the only Asian American female actress that I've encountered that does NOT play an overly sexualized or racially stereotypical role (I'm indicting you, LUCY LIU!). Not only that, she is also a talented writer and has produced and directed at The Office. So right off the bat I am a fan.

Second, she has the perfect constellation of traits: 

• generation-y 
• middle class upbringing
• prestigious liberal arts education/vocabulary
• is completely witty+hilarious
• has a fresh perspective on body issues (i.e. she acknowledges the pressures of being thin in Hollywood yet considers dieting as a sort of fun pastime. In other words, she doesn't take "weight issues" too seriously--preoccupations like that don't consumer her.)
• unashamed about her obsession with TV and pop culture She knows that she's totally mainstream re: her movie tastes. I mean, she's aware that romantic comedies are awful and contrived. She's made peace with that and just enjoys it for what it is: trashy, implausible escapism.
• she's not totally consumed with race. God, what a relief!!! I mean, obviously she's racially aware, but she doesn't have a personal vendetta against all white people that ever lived. Whew. She straddles the intersections of her race & class with real grace, I believe. GO MINDY! 

Where to begin if not a fan yet? I would recommend reading her autobiography, hands down. I mean, it's definitely meandering and unfocused in a lot of spots, but it will literally make you laugh out loud AND you will also start to love her. Available for Kindle on KCLS Overdrive.

Number Two: Donald Glover

Most famous for portraying Troy Barnes in NBC's Community.


Other credits: former writer for NBC's 30 Rock, has a Comedy Central stand-up special, Weirdo, and is a rapper on the side by the name of Childish Gambino.

Basic Info: 28 years old, African American, graduate of New York University

Why I respect him: Like Kaling, Donald Glover does not portray a "typical" black male on Community. He is somewhat nerdy (in a cool way) and is a likable character (unlike Omar Epps in House or Phoenix in Fast Five--ugh, the black "bad guy" trope bugs the heck out of me!).


Constellation of awesome traits:

• generation-y
• middle class upbringing
• parents are devout Jehovah's witnesses and took in foster kids (i.e. He is a really considerate and aware person)
• presitigious liberal arts education/vocabulary
• sharp wit Many of Troy's lines in Community are improvised
• is diplomatic about race In interviews he's been asked about how the role of Troy was originally meant to be a white male, and in response he's said, "Well, let's face it, I am pretty white.. I'm basically a black hipster." He's definitely aware of race, the legacies of racism and the consequences today (see his tweets re: Trayvon Martin). Yet, he seems to have that incredible ability to navigate different contexts (elite white Hollywood land and the black underground hip-hop scene and err'ything in between) while still being his laid back, affable self. Again, his intersection of class & race makes him a super special, awesome, generalization-defying dude. Baratunde Thurston would be proud. 

Where to begin if not a fan yet? Community Season 1, the pilot episode. Then I'd jump to season 3, "Origins of Vampire Mythology." He was awesome in that. Also, watching his stand-up exponentially increased my admiration levels.

Number Three: Marcus Samuelsson

Most famous for being a celebrity chef on the Food Network.

Other credits: guest chef for Obama, owner of Red Rooster in Harlem, philanthropist, author of several cookbooks and a memoir Yes, Chef

Basic info: 42 years old, Ethiopian-born & Swedish-raised, graduate of Gothenberg Culinary Institute

Why I respect him: I first saw Marcus Samuelsson as a guest on Chopped and noticed immediately how polite, articulate and encouraging he was in everything he said. Later, I saw him display his cooking chops on The Next Iron Chef America (he was cut WAY too early) and in Chopped Champions II (which he won!). What impressed me is his ambition in every challenge to tackle really complex dishes and new combinations--he doesn't settle for mediocre or "safe." What sealed the deal was the charity he competed for, Careers through Culinary Arts Program, and how he talked so passionately about creating avenues for young, low-income black youth to experience success and satisfaction in American society instead of getting disillusioned and ending up dead/in prison. I respect that he immersed himself in Harlem and really took in its history and politics and he's so game to invest in the community. LASTLY, he created an entire website, Food Republic, as a means to fight gender norms by encouraging men to cook and host. In sum, Samuelsson is a killer chef + social activist + paradigm shifter. WTF, how does he exist?

Winning traits:

• trans-racially adopted Gives him such a unique perspective! How many people do YOU know that are Ethiopian-Swedish? His multicultural background makes him appreciate and value others' culture and his also grants him this huge edge in fusion cooking that isn't cultural appropriation but comes from a sincere place.
• middle class upbringing
• multilingual (Swedish, English, some Amharic and German)
• prestigious culinary background Yet he earned every promotion, slowly working his way up from prep boy to head chef.
• down-to-earth, kind-hearted This man deserves every bit of fame and them some!
• knows what's up about race He identifies with people of color in the U.S. and just "gets it" even though he grew up in Sweden. It's awesome. And he expresses it all in a polite but firm way, like when he explained how young black men in Harlem have few opportunities for success, which is why Careers through Culinary Arts is so important. 

Where to begin if not a fan yet? Watch for him on Chopped! I promise, his warmth and humanity will shine through. It's incredible. Also, his memoir, Yes, Chef, is really heartwarming.

Themes

So there are definitely some apparent commonalities among these three celebrities. The main reason why I think they're the bees knees is that they carry the unique identities of being both middle class and people of color, which makes them their own special breed. They all at once belong nowhere, yet can adapt anywhere. They're in touch with oppressed groups (due to race) yet also travel in highly exclusive and elite social circles. They're basically amazing and--I'll say it--they are my role models!

What celebrities (if any) would you endorse?

Job Search

It's been a month since I've graduated and I've since applied to about six different job positions. They've ranged from a "Sales Associate" at The Body Shop to a Family Life Director with a church in the Rainier Valley. So far none have resulted in an invitation to an interview. I'm trying to stay upbeat and not discouraged. My goal is to keep submitting cover letters and resumes, at least one a week. This upcoming week I'll be applying to Office Depot! Hey, I wouldn't hate it. :)

It's been humbling to be in such a competitive job market and to realize that just because I have an undergraduate degree, it does not mean that I would be automatically qualified for/competent in a "lackey job" like working a front desk or selling retail.

I'm still pretty bummed about the whole Peace Corps thing not working out. My parents keep trying to assure me that there's "something out there" for me, and that I just need to be patient and wait for it. Well, we'll just see about that.

Hope my next "something" will show up before I'm thirty.

"Maladaptive" Coping Mechanisms

What exactly constitutes a "maladaptive" coping behavior?

I've been mulling over this question a lot lately. With little to no structure to my life as of late, I've been very cognizant of how I spend my free time. It's gotten me to think about how a lot of what I do with my free time is a way to "deal" or cope with life.

The world is harsh. It's brutal. I mean, duh. We live in ambiguity because life is a mix of seemingly senseless and overwhelming tragedy as well as larger than life happiness that we share with others. How does one manage to stay away from becoming a "Pollyanna" (denying anything "wrong" with the world) on one hand, while at the same time not become an Eeyore (everything is bad, so why ever expect it to be good? P.S. I suck). So anyway, people have various ways of "dealing"/staying sane. 

The traditional conception of "acceptable" ways to deal are usually graphically represented in a multi-colored triangle or Venn diagram. Maintaining your sanity is "simply" a manner of attending to all of the different dimensions of yourself: your emotional self, your spiritual self, your physical self, your social self, your psychological self--and on and on and on. 

I decided that after graduation, as a way to practice "self-care," that I was going to try and avoid exposing myself to so much trauma through one-on-one work with trauma survivors, etc. However, it seems that trauma/suffering is just, like, EVERYWHERE (our neighbors six houses down the street just got robbed in broad daylight for crying out loud). I've learned that running away from human suffering just isn't the answer. YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

So anyway, here are some of the ways that I try and "deal" with the tragedy of human existence:

1. SITCOM MEDIA/EASY ANSWERS LANE/HAPPY ENDINGS HAPPYCLOUDLAND: Any movie, TV show or book with an oversimplified, overwrought, contrived plot with a happy ending--I'm sold. Why settle for the unpredictability and messiness of real life when you can enjoy a formula of (1) trivial "conflict" that ends in a (2) "life lesson" all for the price of 25 minutes! My favorite sitcoms lately have been Community and Parks and Recreation. Movie of choice? I Hate Luv Storys. Who wouldn't love a goofy opposites-attract movie where poor people don't exist and everyone is young and beautiful?
2. SUBSTANCE USE: Okay, so far I haven't acted on my inclinations, but  the world is just so sad and messed up that I get these sudden urges to binge-drink alcohol. I now begin to understand why chemical dependency is so prevalent in society. Life is so intense sometimes that NOT feeling anymore sounds veeerrrrry appealing. I'll take anything to not feel overwhelmed anymore. Tell me if I'm wrong.
3. FOOD: I have literally caught myself having feelings of anxiety, going to the kitchen and eating a cookie/muffin and then experiencing the anxiety dissipate, if but for a short period of time. Food comforts me, so binge eating is a way to try and maximize that comforting feeling...that is, until I'm bloated and disgusted with myself. Lawl.
4. VOYEURISM/WASTING AWAY ON THE INTERNET: Life is much simpler if you leave it to actors and celebrities to live it for you. HAH! Rather than actually talk with my family, we'll watch a movie about a fictional family and call it a day. I hate when people say "It's so ironic," BUT IN THIS CASE IT IS! #meta Also, I'm sometimes given to uncontrollable bouts of surfing Wikipedia, reading the most random personal details about actors, actresses and musicians. Then I walk away from the computer three hours later in a daze, feeling ashamed like I've just eaten five bags of Doritos. 
5. TRANSCENDENT SPIRITUAL TRUTHS/PRAYER: It's a lot easier to "deal" when I can rely on the fact that although people are LITERALLY getting away with MURDER every single day, that ultimately there will be a "final judgment" where Jesus will cast those no good S.o.B.'s that prey on vulnerable women and children into the FIRES OF HELL. Muahahahahahaha! "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:19). There's also this idea of "Well, God knows what he's doing" sooo...Why blame him for everything? Blahblahblah, free will vs. grace/Why do bad things happen to good people/I AM STILL GRAPPLING WITH THIS O.K., PPL?!

Okay, so obviously, this list is not exhaustive. However, it really makes me wonder, what sorts of coping behaviors are "acceptable"/"permissible" and which are considered "maladaptive?" The trendy phrase these days seems to be "Everything in moderation." Add that to a layer of post-modernist relativism and you get the conclusion that each person alone knows which coping behaviors are maladaptive for them and at what magnitude they become maladaptive. 

HAHAHA, wow, so basically we've learned nothing.

But back to talking about me (I love the self-indulgent nature of blogs!). I definitely am aware of my actions. I have an intuitive sense of when I've "gone too far" and am using a specific coping behavior as a means to escape/avoid my current feelings or the "reality of the world" or whatever. But now I'm thinking, is it even desirable to be always "on," to be always "present" and feeling 100% and aware and sensitive and self-reflective? I mean, that just sounds tiring to me.

This past year one thing I've committed to is the notion of "Be gentle on yourself." You know, don't expect so much from yourself.. don't be super hard on yourself. .don't exigir a level of productivity that's simply beyond your own capacity..

My tentative conclusion on the matter is this: I will allow myself to escape every once in awhile through  TV, through food, through humor.. but ultimately these moments of escapism are a temporary diversion from grappling with and struggling with and seeking to understand the greater matters of life. All of these nagging questions, they're going to haunt me relentlessly until I air them, talk about them with trusted family and friends, pray about them, gain more experience with them--and I really am a firm believer in this process...the stages of conflict, disbelief, struggle, confusion, despair...because I believe that ultimately I will arrive somewhere. My understanding may not be complete, but it will be deeper. I'll be able to handle the complexity and subtlety with a defter hand. 

The product of SEEKING THE TRUTH is gaining the tools to navigate the very ambiguity you try to avoid.

¿Me explico?

SAYONARA, UW SCHOOL OF SOCIAL WORK

Here's my final personal statement I'm submitting with a culminating binder portfolio. Yes, I'm actually submitting this.

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            When I began the BASW program at the University of Washington I was generally an optimistic, idealistic and naïve person. Now? Well, at least I’m still idealistic. Sort of. Being in the undergraduate program has been like opening up the stomach cavity of humanity and being forced to see and smell the pulsating entrails normally covered by flesh and skin. I’ve come to understand at a very deep level the mechanisms of oppression, the context of history with social problems and the seemingly insurmountable odds we find ourselves up against as social change “agents.” While the world may seem bleak at times, I’ve learned that because of my existence as a social worker, it is now and always will be marginally less so. Slow clap.

            As a result of being in this program, I’ve had to adapt and survive through self-care. In the morning I would learn about how black people were lynched and used as sex slaves. Then, I’d go to coffee with my classmates and try not to cut myself.

            The School of Social Work encourages students to think critically and independently. Well, in this school, I sure have learned how to do just that. While the school may imply that social workers are responsible for the fate of all oppressed populations everywhere, and that if we don’t do something, then no one will, I know in my heart that this is simply not true. I refuse to live in agony and misery, wallowing in privileged guilt and an unhealthily metastasized savior-complex. While I am aware of the plight of vulnerable populations, I as one individual, can only do so much. I will do what I can to address poverty, violence and suffering in the world, but once I’ve put in my eight hours for the day, I will surrender myself to a coping mechanism entitled fatalism.

            When I leave this place, the School of Social Work, I will forever have on my goggles of “awareness.” Trust me, even when I try to enjoy something as mindless and popularly entertaining as The Hunger Games, for example, I will end up writing a five-page analysis of its major themes with respect to power and oppression[1]. I will carry with me ecological-systems theory, empowerment theory, the ethnic identity development model, cultural responsiveness (the dialogic model, of course) and the strengths perspective. These theories have affected the way I interact with people, whether in my professional or personal life; I have internalized them that much.

            In terms of “staying current” with social welfare, I’ll always feed my insatiable compulsion to “be in touch” with the reality of the underclass, whether it be through the NPR public health blog (Shots), The Seattle Times, National Geographic, literary fiction or memoirs of people who have survived horrific circumstances (e.g. Strength in What Remains, Desert Flower, Persepolis). It is my duty as a professional social worker to stay informed, and informed I will stay!

            My strengths as a social worker are my ability to articulate forms of oppression, my critical thinking, my self-reflection and my ability to establish rapport with clients through genuine warmth and caring. Areas for growth would be maintaining professional boundaries with clients, political advocacy and research-informed practice.

            It has certainly been an interesting ride, this BASW experience. I’ve had my hopes crushed into a finely ground powder, then snorted through someone’s nose. I’ve learned to be much more realistic, to reject martyrdom and to enjoy life for what it offers. As a social worker, I may not be able to fundamentally change the structure of society to uplift the downtrodden and usher them into an age of triumph, true brotherhood and utopian parity. However, I’ll do my small part, quietly, without heraldry or accolades, humming a pop ballad from the 1990s.

“Two roads diverged in a wood and I—I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

-Robert Frost

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[1] Attached.

Who's Calling?

"Always hope for the best but prepare for the worst."

-the fortune of one of the most depressing fortune cookies I've ever consumed

As graduation approaches, I've been thinking and praying and thinking more and more about what direction to head in next. It was simple and easy to outright reject the option of getting a Masters degree in social work. (Gross.) Apart from that, though, I've really had to no idea about where to pour all of my energies. I would apply for something if I knew that's what I actually wanted or if that was what God wanted for me, but it's been pretty vague and the clock is ticking down. Three weeks and then---I literally have nothing lined up for me besides maybe possibly a Peace Corps assignment in a year.

So of course my first instinct is to get all introspective and pray about God's "calling" for me. A couple of weeks ago I received this word from God during a church women's retreat:

You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom. 

-Eugene Peterson's paraphrase of Matthew 5:10 via The Message

HAH. Wow, thanx, God. You really know how to lift a girl's spirits. Anyway, it got me thinking about how I've been reluctant to really bear all and give up my entire future to God's hands because I am afraid to suffer for his sake. It actually makes me anxious and fills me with dread. Um, I've had a taste of what it's like to share Christ's sufferings and it was dark and icky and uncomfortable. Yuck. No, no, no, no, no, no, NO--THANKS.

So I'm trying to get "unstuck" from this mentality of resistance. This whole process has revealed to me how selfish my motives are in following Jesus (I'll take the peace, comfort, personal purpose and meaning without the cost and sacrifice) and I'm thinking to myself, "Wow, do I really deep down actually want to know who Jesus is?" Hah, because it's starting to become very clear that actual deep fellowship with Christ means sharing in his sufferings (see Philippians 3:10-11).

Waah, I just want to be coddled for the rest of my life. God, wrap me in a cocoon if ignorance from the tragedy, brokenness and evil of the world until I die, okay? I've had enough exposure to people's heartbreaking trauma. Nooooo, why did you make me sensitive so that I feel things???

I've been reading The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer lately and it's been a good wake up call from all of my inner musings, angst and evasion of confrontation with the living, terrifying, true God. ;) I've been thinking of complete surrender to God and letting go of certainty and control as submission to a life of intermittent misery and pain. Pretty bleak, right? But the thing about Bonhoeffer is that he keeps pointing people to Jesus Christ. Yes, there's a cost. Yes, there's suffering...yet it's all about Christ. That's it. Game over.

Self-denial is never just a series of isolated acts of mortification or asceticism. It is not suicide, for there is an element of self-will even in that. To deny oneself is to be aware only of Christ and no more of self, to see only him who goes before and no more the road which is too hard for us. Once more, all that self denial can say is: "He leads the way, keep close to him" (88). 

So instead of agonizing over the specifics of my future, or trying to make comprehensive cost-benefit analyses of possible next steps, my focus of late has been to try and really get a better sense of who this Jesus guy is. Who is this Christ who is asking me to suffer for his sake?--who is inviting me into deeper communion with him through persecution?

Only in that context will I be able to hear his call in the first place, and then, hopefully, to obey.

Mandatory Hunger Games Post

 Ugggggggggggh, I've been putting off posting about the Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins because I know that admitting I read the books is like saying I liked the movie The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks (which by the way I did NOT).Blargh, I hate myself for liking something so mainstream and over-hyped. BUT despite my many reservations, I have to give Collins props for including a lot of relevant social themes that would really benefit Americans to think about every once in awhile (instead of living in denial through various mind-altering substances and TV programs like Gossip Girl and Jersey Shore). Wake up, people! Sh1t is going down and denying it will only make it worse. Sorry, I just have to indict greater "society" every once and awhile. #SOAPBOXMOMENT

Here is an exhaustive list of the themes that I appreciate from The Hunger Games. Feel free to chime in if I missed something. :)

Social Themes from The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins

• Classism/Poverty: The oppression and exploitation of traditionally "blue collar" laborers (mining, farming, etc.) uhhhhhh this might make all the little kids read about it actually wonder, "Who picks the grapes that I'm eating?" or "Who put my [stupid freaking/totally unnecessary] iPhone together?" Hahaha, good job, Suzanne Collins, for tipping your hat to the victims of globalization. 
• Colonization/Globalization/Mercantilism: One "developed entity" (District 1="The West") enjoys the finished products of smaller "developing" regions that provide cheap labor and raw materials
• Gender Roles: It's kind of amazing that Katniss isn't a helpless damsel in distress like the person Kristen Stewart plays in Twilight. Was her name Bella? Anyway, Katniss actually has a personality (???) and is competent in survival skills (???). She don't need to man to stay alive. Um, how ballsy is that to have a self-sufficient woman who does not necessarily find her ultimate satisfaction in snagging a hubbie??
• War's Moral Ambiguity/Pacifism: Do ends justify means? I think about the arguments for torture techniques with POW "terrorists." Does the waterboarding and electro-shocking justify the "intelligence" gained, the potential lives saved? (Amnesty International would say, "no.") Is accidentally killing civilians when trying to expose "terrorists" a "necessary evil" for peace? When Gale leads the avalanche on District 2, when the children (and then Prim) are bombed at the Capital, can you say that was the only way to end the violence? Fight violence with more violence? Have you read The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis? One of his speeches is "Why I am not a Pacifist." I could go on and on about this and never reach a conclusion.
• Mass Media/Brainwashing/Propaganda: If the government controls the dissemination of all information, can the masses be manipulated into submission without any opposing perspectives? What is truth? How critically do we really think when we read news articles, watch footage, etc.? More and more I see how easily human minds can be molded by dogma, tradition, irrationality--ack, it's kind of frightening.
• Rugged Individualism (Dehumanization) vs. Collectivism (Compassion): In the arena will "good will" or "kill or be killed" reign? When forced under the most difficult of circumstances, are we all just animals looking to protect our own livelihood and interests at the cost of others'?
• Politics/Power: It's All Messy/Everyone is Corrupt/Self-Interest Rules: The idea of gray area, no distinct "good guys" vs. "bad guys," especially when it comes to institutional power and maintaining it. In order to gain power and maintain it, a lot of moral concessions/compromises have to be made. E.g. Katniss killed Coin b/c she knew Coin would protect her own incumbency (which Katniss threatened). Check out political theory about this; it's fascinating.
• Substance Abuse/Dependency/Escapism: Haymitch as a (mostly) functional alcoholic in order to cope with loss and the harshness of reality.. Johanna and Katniss becoming dependent on morphling, as well as many of the surviving Victors from past Games. When reality becomes too tough to bear, when you feel helpless and cornered, just tap out with drugs. They don't take away the pain but at least they dull it. I talked to my gpa about this the other day and we agreed that those who become chemically dependent are those who are just so sensitive, that feel their own pain and the pain of others so acutely that they just can't take it; it's too overwhelming. Anyway, I'm glad that Collins included this, even though it may seem to "dark" for kids.
• Reality TV/Video Cameras Shape Personal Behavior/Acting in Order to Be Watched: Dude, this is real and it is live. On a grand scale, celebs and rich people are glorified in reality TV which capitalizes on the human penchant for voyeurism. They live it up, act dramatic and are often not themselves--they play up a caricature for the audience. How much is that happening now at the grassroots level through Facebook, Twitter and MySpace? How many people are constructing themselves to "be seen" by peers as a certain "character" (popular, witty, sexy). How much of personal decisions and choices are made just in order to "post" about them later? I mean, this is really scary. 
• Diaspora/Refugee Status/Displacement: The reality of refugees and a lot of immigrants is that you're stuck in this double-bind: you can't go back to your homeland because it's f*cked up there (civil war, government repression/corruption, mass poverty) but the new place you're in is just not that great (cultural vertigo, rootlessness). This is somewhat like Katniss & all of District 12 when their home is destroyed and they are forced to flee to District 13 which is rigid, strictand not dream-like/ideal at all. Oh, the tragedy of displacement!
• PTSD/Trauma Bites: Enuf said. Peeta & Katniss with their vivid nightmares after witnessing the deaths of many, mass killing through bombing and fire, torture, near-death experiences. All of these count as "traumatic incidents" in the DSM-IV, and they take a toll. I'm glad that in the books they don't get over it, that they're scarred and haunted, that it affects their daily functioning. WELCOME TO THE LIFE OF A REFUGEE. Damn.
• Savior Complex/Non-Harm/Tragic Hero: Okay, so maybe this isn't original AT ALL (see: Harry Potter), but I feel for Katniss when she takes on that enormously heavy responsibility of protecting the well-being of her vulnerable dependents (mother, sister, Peeta, Gale, etc.). She takes it all upon herself to act "right" in order to prevent harm to them, and to help the vulnerable citizens in the oppressed districts, yet finds that all she does is get people killed! (People are dying left & right for her! I mean, in the third book, dang--so many casualties. I think of that bombed hospital, just awful). And although she realizes she has enormous power to rally the "people," she's overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and an acute awareness of her own imperfections, her impulsiveness. The ultimate lesson is don't try to be anyone's angel, okay? Hah. CanNOT stress this enough.
• Vanity/Bourgeois Culture: It's a reality that in the Hunger Games, physical appearance and pageantry are almost as valuable as practical skills used in the arena. Again, it's about projecting an image, of "beauty" being indicative of one's level of intelligence, competence, and even character (I'm not even kidding)! And it's like, for the coddled, spoiled Capital peeps, they become fixated upon vanity, hedonism (bingeing/purging), celebrity, gossip. They're just oblivious of the underclass. Grrrr.. it's too real.
• Possibility for a Multiethnic Cast: Dude, not everyone is just assumed to be white. What? is going on? Science fiction never has people of color. (Okay, sure, you could point to the captain of Deep Space Nine but that is an EXCEPTION, not the rule) Buuut wait? Katniss and Gale have olive skin, grey eyes and black hair--the "Seam look" sounds awfully NATIVE to me. Also, her dad knows how to hunt, has knowledge of nature (plants, etc.), sings folk songs--am I just reading way too into this? Whatever, I don't care what people say. I'm going to believe that Katniss is half Native and half white, okay?! Also, Rue and Thresh--hey they're black! Amaaazing. I mean, they both die; I was expecting that (just watch any horror or action flick, the people of color get picked off mighty early on, if they're included at all). But Rue is just sweet, resourceful and Thresh is a bad@$$ yet merciful in not killing Katniss. I'm just mad-pleased that there are ANY people of color, so hey, mega props to u, Suzanne Collins. Thanx. Maybe next time try including Asian Americans. We have a lot of purchasing power. Our median income is higher than the white man's; take note.
• Suicide as Rational Choice: Wow, loved the "Hanging Tree." Whoa.. I mean, do we ever as humans have the actual wisdom and discernment to know if things have gotten so bad that dying is better than anything else that could happen were we to continue living? Haha, in my political science/econ classes they talk about the "rational choice" of people doing "irrational" things like suicide bombings. It's like, hey professors up in your ivory towers, people aren't having crazy dissociative breaks when they commit suicide. They have viable reasons for doing so--I don't need to read your 20-page journal article to figure this out. lol, or think about the Death with Dignity Act. Do the elderly really think that dying is a better option than living with chronic illnesses and pain? Or, in the case of Katniss with Peeta, how could she have actually known and convinced herself that there was no hope for his psychological recovery--enough to "mercy kill" him? As humans we have the agency to kill ourselves and to kill others. What causes some to use this agency and others to not? Desperation? Fear? Hopelessness? Hubris?
• LOVE PREVAILS: Okay, I'm always a sucker for a happy ending. But just this notion that has survived through history--that out of the ashes something truly beautiful can emerge; it's irresistible to me. HOPE. RENEWAL. LIFE. "What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of descruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again" (388). Uh, YES and PLEASE.

 Haha, I actually really enjoy the Hunger Games just because it provides a non-threatening way to talk about some really controversial stuff. Because you can talk all "hypothetically" by discussing the characters and their choices, rather than the actual "political"/historical stuff--cuz, like I said, that can be "too real" for some, you know? Yo, but for all of the deep thinkers out there (i.e. all my close friends and a lot of my family), it's just another excuse to wax philosophical/theological/intellectual--just talk for a really long time about abstract concepts and the "future of humanity" and all that stuff. Haha, don't lie, we love it.

Okay, and to make sure this review is a bit more balanced, I've gotta get these last things off my chest.

Gripes about The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins 
(i.e. The Author's Popular Fiction Concessions)

•  LOVE TRIANGLE: WTF gag me with an effing spoon. I cannot believe Collins stooped so low to attract more readers. UGH whyyyyy pander to the base sentimentality of the general populaaace??? Booooooooo. And why does Katniss have to choose the middle class boy with the Aryan features instead of the low-income, savvy Native-looking dude with the rock hard body?? Suzanne Collins, you don't have to keep reinforcing what Stephanie Meyers already did in Twilight where the girl ends up choosing the paler, "civilized" dude instead of the woodsy, OLIVE SKINNED, BLACK HAIRED Native guy. Actually Suzanne, I bet you did this subconsciously and implicitly. I'll let you get away with it this time, but learn from this and make your next series better, okay?
• Peeta: Noooo Suzanne Collins, don't do this to teenaged girls all around the world. What guy out there is as self-aware, verbally expressive and (almost creepily) self-sacrificing/protective as Peeta? I mean, damn, woman, Peeta is a trifecta of un-reality--it's just blinding. Teenaged girls of the world, prepare for a rude awakening when you realize your Peeta is never coming for you. Come on, Suzanne, you're better than this--better than feeding the overstuffed, genetically mutated knight-in-shining-armor COW that IS young girls' minds. I'm not saying that men cannot be sensitive, articulate, self-aware and self-sacrificing buuuuuuuuut you'd have to admit, it's kind of rare? (Tell me if I'm way out of line here).
• War Melodrama or "Katniss almost-dies a million times: Seriously, how many times does she have to black out from an injury in "battle" and wake up in some emergency room hooked up to a morphling drip?! You know this is a legitimate gripe. Again, I understand that the "drama" of it all keeps readers on the edge of their seats and appeals to a wider audience, but could we go for more understatement next time?

Well, no more glaring gripes from this chica! As you can see, way more commendations for Collins than admonitions.  Along the lines of "pretty fly for a white guy," (sorry if I offend people with this reverse-racist microaggresion) I think The Hunger Games series is "pretty dope for popular fiction." Yah.

THE END

Thanx 4 reading.

Using Celebrity for Good

I'm always inspired when I read about actresses who have the guts to speak out against the sick, image-obsessed industry they work in. See Raven Symone, Margaret Cho and Gabourey Sidibe.

Let's now add Ms. Jennifer Lawrence. She's been criticized for being "too fat" to play a "starving" impoverished Katniss.

GLAMOUR: You must be in amazing shape.

JL: I hate saying, “I like exercising.” I want to punch people who say that in the face.

Ha! Further reading:
-The ‘fatness’ of Katniss? Jennifer Lawrence laughs off insults
-Jennifer Lawrence Calls Out Bad Body Image Role Models For Girls In Hollywood

FARTLESS CHILI

HEY PEOPLE, I just discovered something AMAZING. If you're making chili and want to enjoy your food without the flatulence, here is a little-known secret that actually WORKS (tested & approved last Friday).

1. Bring a large pot of water to boil on the stove. Turn off the burner.
2. Add the dried beans (kidney, pinto, whatever!) to the pot.
3. Soak overnight.
4. Drain beans, add enough water to cover them and cook simmering on low for 50 minutes, as usual.
5. Add your cooked beans to the meaty chili mixture (I usually have it already going in a crock pot for a few hours)
6. ENJOY THE BEANS GUILT-FREE. You are in for a fartless night.

For reals, people, this has changed my life.

;)

RIP Whitney Houston

I know it may seem so five minutes ago, but I'm still reeling over the death of Whitney Houston. Many people have raised a brow to my sincere sadness at her passing, and I too, don't quite understand why it affected me in such a profound manner.

I've been listening to Whitney Houston since I was six years old. I would spend afternoons lying on my back next to my Uncle Fred's boombox, repeatedly listening to her incredible vocals in The Bodyguard soundtrack. "I Will Always Love You," "I Have Nothing" and "Run to You" will forever have a special place in my heart. I love the movie The Preacher's Wife. It is Christian, sentimental and has a happy ending. Man, Whitney, where did it all go wrong?

What haunts me most about her death is that it epitomizes the tragedy and fragility of human existance. Taunt me if you may about how seriously I am taking all of this, but for realz, this has hit me hard! Just humor me for a bit.

Let's review the arc of Whitney Houston's life (the details of which I have gleaned from her 2009 in-depth interview with Oprah Winfrey). She was raised a devout Baptist. She had incredible, unmatched vocal talent. She had a sincere, caring heart and wanted to share her gift with the world. And yet the overwhelming pressures of celebrity and an incongruous marriage led to her drug addiction and, most likely, her death.

I'm saddened because she was just such an incredible artist. Her vocal control, range and authentic expression is absolutely unmatched. And even though it may be absurd that I identify with her and feel like I knew her personally, I don't care! Rest in peace, Whitney! You are a gift from God.

Asking for Help

So this past couple of weeks has been pretty challenging on the caregiver front with my grandparents. Had a pretty bad scare last week when my grandma fell--just THUD! SPLAT!--in the kitchen. I mean, at one point I was about to laugh out loud at how absurd and crazy it was. I had to drag her along the ground, on her back, through the kitchen into the living room so that my grandpa and I could lift her up to a sitting position on the couch. I mean, it's that bad. She's so frail that she can't lift herself up from lying down to sitting up. She couldn't even use her legs to scoot. I mean, imagine an upturned beetle on its back, skinny legs flailing about to no avail. Her appendages have gotten that spindly, I swear.

In the aftermath I was anxious and panicked and generally having thoughts of "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" However, in my long journey as caregiver I have found that in these moments of utter helplessness/feelings of futility it's simplest and best to ask for help. One of the singular and most unhealthy beliefs for caregivers is the "I can make it on my own" mentality--like suffering in silence is noble or something.

If we all just had an adequate dose of humility, we'd all realize that we are no one's savoir and that the only way that we can ever take care of someone is with the help of others! There would be SO MANY less burnt-out, unhappy, emotionally-martyred people in the world. My theory is that each caregiver in the world must stand upon the shoulders of at least seven close friends and supporters that will cheer them on, pick them up when they're down and share the burden. We all need a "team" to hold us up when we're too crumpled to stand on our own.

I'm very thankful for my friends and family that have helped me through the ups and downs of living with my grandparents. This is dedicated to you!

FAT.

So I've been tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep tonight. My brain cannot shut down and be quiet; I think "processing" through a blog post might help. I've been wanting to post on this topic for a long while now, but it seems that every time I begin, there's simply too much to write about and I give up. Well, we'll see how much rambling I can fit--just don't expect this to be particularly concise or coherent.

In the past five years or so my interest in body image has skyrocketed. Recently it's been constantly on my mind. In high school I read Can't Buy My Love by Jean Kilbourne as an assignment for rhetoric class. She writes about the power of media (specifically advertising) to shape the way women see themselves. It raised my consciousness to realize that beauty ads were meant to make me feel dissatisfied with the way I looked (so that I would buy the marketed product to "fix" my "flaws"), food ads were meant to make me crave unhealthy junk while punishing/berating myself for "indulging" in them and clothing/fashion ads were meant to make me idolize thinness, youth and whiteness. (Sidenote: I'm starting to realize more and more that women are seriously oppressed--this whole "thin" beauty ideal is just the tip of the iceberg. It's awful.)

THEN last year I'm so glad that my roomie Hillary did an internship with NEDA, the National Eating Disorders Association, which provided many opportunities to dialogue about how pervasive body-hatred is among women. (Another sidenote: However widespread body dissatisfaction may be, Hillary & Faith really opened my eyes to see what women WITHOUT it can look like. I noticed right away from living with them that they hadn't internalized all the pressures to be super thin--I never heard negative-self talk from them about their bodies! E.g. "I need to lose five pounds." "I think I'm getting fat." "Ugh, my thighs are HUGE!" Talk about a breath of fresh air.) I read The Religion of Thinness by Michelle Lelwica, which articulated well the way women perpetuate the need to be thin. She compared it to a religion with rules (be self-controlled, disciplined, avoid "bad" foods) and rituals (overexercising, binging, purging, starvation). She was also really into the mindfulness practice of "listening to your body" for hunger/satiety signals and stuff, but I'd leave that by the wayside if I were you.

And THEN this past summer I read this book called Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters by Courtney E. Martin which I really enjoyed...mostly because I share all social identities with the author except for race (young adult, female, middle class, college-educated). She shares a lot of stories from her own life and the stories of friends. What struck me most was that any woman, really, can potentially develop an eating disorder. Like, seriously. We're all just hanging by a thread. As Hillary wisely told me, all women lie somewhere on a spectrum between "I love my body and am impervious to pressures to conform to a socially constructed beauty norm" & compulsive, disordered thoughts and behavior around food.

I think about where personally I fall on that spectrum today, and I would say I'm somewhere in the middle, probably more towards the compulsive/disordered side to be completely honest. I struggle with comparing my body (especially my legs) to other womens'. Sometimes I feel like food is my enemy, trying to get me fat. Sometimes I exercise for an hour at a time to desperately avoid being fat.

Now that I've hit 21 years, my metabolism has started to slow down. The overeating, rich desserts and fatty snacks actually catch up to me instead of magically metabolizing overnight. I feel a loss of control sometimes when I see that I have gained ten pounds since beginning college.

A lot of the time I feel foolish for being a victim to my own vanity. I get down on myself for being vulnerable to societal norms and pressures to conform. I think, "I should be above this! This is all bullsh1t and I know it!" But I think this is something that I'll battle for my whole life. I pray for God's grace and for his help because I'd really like to be thinking about bigger and better/more useful things than my caloric intake and the way I can make my thighs look thinner by wearing the right pair of jeans.

In the meantime, I've found some helpful tools for fighting against the pressure without and within to be really, really thin!
1. Limit my media consumption: TV just reinforces the paradigm that thin is best. Fat people are invisible (not represented) or the butt of jokes. (I could do an entire additional post about the normalization of frighteningly skinny women in TV, movies and magazines!)
2. adiosbarbie.com This website inspires me! The women who post here are smart, savvy and amazingly counter-cultural. Extra plus: They talk about intersections with race!
3. Talk to other women about it: Every woman I know is affected by the pressure to be thin, though we rarely bring it up. Whenever I do mention it and open up about my struggle with it, I find my friends and family opening right back up to me, too. You'd be surprised with the solidarity you can encounter out there, especially from friends who are vulnerable like you but keep trying to FIGHT THE POWER (I mean you, Rachel!)!
4. Lift my eyes up: Spending time in prayer and reading the Bible really help me to gain a bigger perspective on life. Life is not just about what you can see with your eyes or being seen by others. Being thin/attractive may grant status and power in the world, but that's not really what I want, anyway. Though they are tempting (status & power). ;)

Okay, that was a lot. Glad to get it outta my system. Stay strong, my fellow women.

Let's go!!!!