Thoughts and Such

Week two of work, finished. Three day weekend. Yay.

Today I went for a walk around the neighborhood, you know, because it was sunny and all. It's so surprising how few people are outside. Most of the people I saw were men mowing the lawn, a couple of kids, two dog-walkers and a woman raking leaves. The nice thing about the suburbs is that they're quiet. Also, there are some untouched blocks of forests with trees that are probably more than one hundred years old. So that's always nice.

I stopped by my middle school that was recently razed and then renovated. I don't know how they did it, but they managed to make it look MORE like a prison than it already did. I mean, there isn't even a sign near the buildings to indicate that it is, indeed, a public school. It's literally painted grey with concrete accents. The random passerby would easily confuse it for a low-security penitentiary.

I really do enjoy the fall. I mean, sure, the unswept leaves beneath my feet did add an intrusive amount of noise to my otherwise soundless tread. That happens. The most gorgeous things I saw today, though, were Japanese maples--the kind with the leaves that have, like, six delicate and thin prongs. Amazing. There's also something to be said about the smell of chimney smoke and laundry and bitingly cold yet pure air that transports me back to my elementary school days. It seems the older I get, the less time I spend outdoors.

When I went for a walk downtown this week it was much less peaceful but still interesting. For example, when I climbed the hill up to the nearby public housing community, the sidewalks were littered with glass shards from the parked cars that had been broken into. I saw a young mother waiting at the bus stop with her daughter. Down the hill at the park homeless people were sleeping on benches or talking to each other in hushed tones. I don't know if it was my psychological bias or not but I swear I smelled the stale alcohol on them. Not even a block later the only people I'd cross paths with were professional businesspeople: men in dress shirts, slacks and ties, Northface jackets and leather briefcases. And then there are the easily-spotted tourists that look a little aimless and unsure, cameras at the ready.

Big cities are always strange because they attract such a diversity of people, and yet it's like we're completely unknown to each other. It's all at once exhilarating and alienating.

I'm just trying my best to stay open and receptive to this new experience--this whole eight to five thing. I'm starting to have some hope that this job will not be the end of me and that I just might be able to possibly do some good in the division, however long I might be there.

I just hope I'm not around long enough to be put on break room clean-up duty. Gross.

Spring! Give me more (allergy) MEDS!!!

Sunday marked the first day of Spring and for ONCE it was sunny today! Despite my intense allergies to any/all tree & flower pollens in the northwest, I stopped at Seward Park to walk the 2.5 mile loop on the shores of Lake Washington. It reminded me of when I was a freshman in college, back when I had the time to take long, solitary walks on the Burke-Gilman Trail.

The good thing about walks is that it gives you time to think about things that maybe you've put off thinking about--or, conversely, to think about nothing. I was thinking about my current doubts about the benevolence of God and his promise to be "always with us" and to "never forsake us." I'm still puzzling over the experiences I've had and the people I've met that seem to contradict all of this.

At this point I'd be basically lying if I forced myself to believe that there's always a "bigger picture" in the suffering, loneliness, feelings of abandonment, desperation, darkness & imprisonment. And I'm not even going to touch the whole argument that the "bad things" of the world exist so that God's "goodness" can be shown through him rescuing us from them. I mean, cuz if God's "goodness" is dependent on him rescuing people from destruction and death, then he'd be f'd (insert any example of someone living or dead who epitomizes tragedy).

It's just all swirling around me--this great mystery of me not understanding what God's up to in all his "plans" and workings for humanity. My biggest question to God right now is, "Dude, what are you THINKING???"